


What I Have Left

by EarthOddity67



Series: What I Have [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Adoption, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben becoming Kylo Ren, Ben is Luke's son, Bullying, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hints of memory loss, Infidelity, Jedi Code, Jedi Luke Skywalker, Jedi Training, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Luke has a lot of regret, M/M, Mentions of Sterilisation, New Jedi Order, Not Beta Read, Only explicit as a precaution, Past Infidelity, Past Mpreg, Possible Child Abandonment, Serious Illness, Violence, Young Ben Solo, Young Rey, brief skysolo, but they were friends, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-19 00:49:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 27,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10628691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthOddity67/pseuds/EarthOddity67
Summary: Sequel to 'What I Left Behind'.Luke tries to keep his promise to Leia. This is Luke trying to cope with the decision he made all those years ago.Summary: Luke had a one night stand with Han years after the battle of Endor, and found out he was pregnant. Knowing he has to commit to the Jedi Code, Luke gives the child to Leia and Han to raise as their own son while he trains a new generation of Jedi. Ben grows older and becomes Force sensitive and he becomes Luke's apprentice, but as training begins Luke starts to notice something is wrong with Ben, but he realises too late what it is.(You don't have to read the first story to make sense of this one. I think the summary explains the important plot points.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo,
> 
> For those of you who have read my first fic 'What I Left Behind' I want to apologise for the long wait for this part. I'm taking a break from my current fic 'Junkless' at the moment and I thought I go back to this one and get it done. I'm terrible. Sorry. 
> 
> I finally got it done though. If you haven't read the first story, don't worry. I think the summary spells out most of the major plot points but you can read it if you want. Although, warning, my writing was not great in that story. Hopefully it has gotten better, but... I'm not sure. I'm not 100% happy with he flow of this one, some parts were harder to write than others, but I got it done. Finally.
> 
> So far, I have put this story as explicit because there is a sex scene, but it's not too graphic. If you think it should be mature or stay explicit, let me know. My tagging has gotten me into trouble in my last fic. Don't really want to go through that again. If I write a second part to this fic (if) then the warnings may change. Just a heads up. If you think there are other tags I should put up then please let me know.
> 
> Also... THE LAST JEDI TRAILER. I AM SO PUMPED. What a coincidence that I finish this on the day the trailer is released. I'm so ready for December!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

Luke promised Leia that he would visit at least once a year.

Once a year… it’s not too much of a compromise. It’s one day compared to the three hundred and sixty four he spends by not seeing them. He has students now, younglings that show strong potential with their Force abilities, but Luke knows that placing his attention on them is only a distraction— it’s easy to have your attention taken up when you're surrounded by unruly kids, who are discovering new ways to break things with just their minds. Every day offers a new variety of exhaustion Luke had never considered he would experience before.

That had been a good enough deal, but recently Leia used the Force link to communicate with Luke. She was cashing in on the deal, and it was like a bucket of water being thrown over his head. Luke knew he had to follow up on his promise, and ever since he made it the day was approaching with a sense of finality.

It’s funny how one day can be more difficult than a whole year of training Force children.

 

* * *

 

The first time Luke saw Ben after Dagobah was on his first birthday.

Ben would be a prince now, giving Leia’s title and rule, and the royal family likes to celebrate birthdays. He received his invitation from Leia a few weeks ago, insisting he would come or suffer the consequences (he’s hoping that she is joking about the consequences, but with Leia’s authority and temper, he didn't want to risk it), but Luke knew he would be there. He didn't need an invitation to have incentive.

Luke arrived in the morning, getting an early head start for the day, but Leia was already waiting for him. She hugged him the moment he stood on the loading bay, squeezing him half to death, but it had been a long time. He couldn’t judge her for that. He missed her too, and she was the only anchor he had right now.

After they exchanged their pleasantries— _How are you? You look lovely. How have things been?_ — they made their way to her rooms where Han was with Ben. The moment Luke stepped into the threshold, his eyes fell straight to the crib, and his heart seized up in his chest.

There was a baby — toddler — standing on his little feet and holding onto the wooden bannisters keeping him in. Han was standing by his side, and when he saw Luke he picked up the little boy, and brought him over to him.

“Ben, say hello to your Uncle Luke,” Han told the toddler.

Luke didn't know what he was going to expect. He knew he wasn't going to see the newborn he remembered Ben to be, he knew he was going to look different, but he wasn't prepared for how different he would be.

His black hair seemed to have only grown longer and thicker — a halo of raven locks against his pale skin, and he stared up at Luke with large brown eyes — no longer the blue Luke had engrained into his mind when he was born.

He no longer had blue eyes. Instead, deep brown iris’s stared up at him in scrutiny as he made out the new stranger he was encountering, while he sucked on his little thumb. With his other hand, Ben reached out to Luke, trying to grab onto his cheek, but kept missing every time he closed his fist into the air. That seemed to be a good sign, because Han began to chuckle lightly and run his hand through the baby’s black hair.

“I think someone likes you,” Han said.

Luke wasn't listening to him. He was too caught up in the feel of Ben’s fingers trying to hold onto him. The toddler didn’t give up until Han passed him over to Luke, and when he was in his arms Ben immediately grabbed onto whatever he could hold, which happened to be Luke’s brown robes and connecting hood. It was probably just a reflex, Luke tried to rationalise. He was making sure he wouldn't fall from his grasp. That made sense. He even tried to rationalise why Ben would snuggle in closer to his chest and rest his cheek against his neck when it happened, but he couldn’t. For the first time in a year, he had his son in his arms again.

No. Nephew. He’s not his son anymore.

The rest of the night passed before Luke eyes. People were celebrating, drinking and having fun, but Luke was content with talking to Leia and Han with Ben in his arms and playing with him. It was the happiest Luke had felt in the whole year. Ben was, surprisingly, an easy baby, considering how busy everything around him seemed to be. He was extremely laid back. Well that’s typical. He wasn’t so laid back when he was in Luke’s womb. All his former hyper-activeness was nowhere to be seen.

Yet, no matter how difficult the pregnancy was for Luke, having Ben in his arms again made him yearn for the opportunity to go back and experience it differently, just so he could appreciate it more, especially when all he did was wait and curse until the pregnancy was over.

But he can’t go back, and he made sure he would never have another experience like it again. Luke still wore that reminder in the shape of a red scar on his abdomen.

Luke chose not to say too long. He had other business to take care of back at home, so he said his goodbye and hugged Ben in his arms one last time. He was certain he felt the small boy hug him back just as tight, or as tight as he could muster at that age, but Luke took all that he could get. Who knows when he will get a chance like this again?

When it was time to let go, Luke had to pass Ben over to Leia. She settled him just on her hip as he clung on to her and with so much practiced ease that it looked effortless. Luke was surprised by the rise of envy that thought brought up, so he distracted himself by giving Ben a kiss on his forehead. “Bye-bye, Ben.”

“Bye.”

Luke was stunned speechless. It was small, so quiet that it was doubtful that anybody else heard it, but he said it. Understood it even. When Luke looked up at Leia, she gave him a small smile. “It’s the only word he will say to anybody. He can talk, but he doesn't really say much no matter how much we try to encourage him.”

He didn't want to say what he was feeling— Luke didn't know what he was feeling, but he nodded. He said his goodbyes and boarded his ship to fly back to the Temple.

But it bothered him. Something about that bothered him. Ben had grown so much and seemed to be thriving all night, but that goodbye unsettled Luke the most.

Bye? That’s the only word that Ben had uttered all night.

How many times has Ben heard that in his short life?

 

* * *

 

The next time Luke saw Ben was when he was three. On his birthday. Just as he promised. They celebrated in a more low key setting this time. They had the entire day to spend together without any interruptions. Luke had to admit it was nice. There were so many people at the party last time. Now it was just him, his sister and Ben.

Han had to go away with Chewie for something, something that annoyed Leia greatly by the way she pursed her lips at the mention of it, but Luke quickly brushed over the topic. It was a good thing Leia wasn't in the mood to talk about it, either. Luke didn't think he would pay attention long enough.

He was just as shocked to see Ben now as he was on his first birthday. Luke doesn't think he could ever get over it. He changes all the time. He maps out every little detail of his face, everything that is new that makes Ben more… like Ben. That doesn’t make sense, but it’s the only thing Luke could think of to describe him.

Ben is just as energetic as any other three year old. He runs all over the place, he laughs, he talks non-stop gibberish, and Luke doesn't think he has ever been so caught up in a child in his entire life. The Force kids, they were similar to Ben, but Luke could listen to him blather on for days if it meant he could see that smile again. It made his chest ache for a time where—

No. Luke can’t think about that, no matter how much he wants to. And when he saw Ben run into the arms of Leia, calling her ‘mommy’ and giving her those smiles Luke loved… it hurt. Damn, it hurt, but seeing how loved and happy he is made Luke certain he made the right choice.

He just wished it didn’t have to hurt so much.

 

* * *

 

When Ben is five years old he gets sick. Very sick.

Luke gets the news from Leia via their communication link, frantic and distraught, so much so that Luke struggled to understand a single word his sister uttered. It was only when Luke told her to calm down that she explained everything; Ben had been complaining about being tired the previous and that his head hurt, but she didn’t think much of it at the time. It wasn’t until Han went to check on him this morning that they realised something was wrong…

Luke had stopped listening after that point, and he was on the next ship out to Naboo. The rest of it was a blur to Luke, he was surprised he had been able to make it there without crashing, but he did it. Leia must have sensed him coming, because she was running to the holding bay, and the minute Luke stepped out he had his arms wrapped around her in a desperate hug. Even before that, Luke could feel the crushing worry eating up at his sister. It was starting to gnaw at his own vulnerable existence as well.

They didn't bother with pleasantries, and Leia took Luke straight to where they were keeping Ben.

The doctors weren’t sure what it was yet, and they feared he could be contagious, but so far no one else had fallen ill. There were medical orderlies and droids around the place. Leia ignored them all, keeping ahold of Luke’s hand throughout the journey until they reached a room with a glass wall separating them from the cause of Luke’s panic.

Ben looked really bad. His face was flushed from his fever and his eyes were puffy. He kept rubbing at them in between these hacking coughs that made his entire frame heave. His little body can’t handle it, and the skin on his face is covered in many dark red spots that looked enflamed and painful, and Ben was feeling every single ounce of it.

“What happened?” Luke demanded.

“We don’t know,” Leia admitted, the worry thick in her voice. “The moment the doctor saw him they ordered a quarantine. No one is allowed in or out. They think it’s some sort of virus, but they’re not telling me much. They’re not telling me anything, I don’t know what to do with myself.”

The medi-droids still scurried around them in their haste, but Luke had never wanted the silence more than ever. He suddenly felt light headed and sick from the commotion they were causing.

“They haven't said anything?” Luke asked.

“I don't think they know what’s wrong with him.”

Luke was just about to calm the obvious distress his sister was suffering, but then he noticed something else was wrong with the picture. Leia said the smuggler went to check on Ben this morning. He must be here, but Luke hadn't seen him since he walked into the building. “Where's Han?”

Leia didn’t answer her brother straight away. Instead, her eyes flickered back to the screen and watched Ben suffer through a hacking cough that seemed to last forever, even making his eyes water from the sheer effort it exuded. He fell back into his plumped up pillows, rubbing his hands over his sore eyes. From the corner of the room, the doors slid open into the room and a droid rolled over to Ben’s side.

Han was there, too. He was being led in by that same droid. The moment the doors closed behind him, Han went straight over to Ben’s bedside and gathered up the boy in his arms. Ben immediately started to cry against his shoulder with Han trying to comfort him as much as he could by petting his smooth hair.

“The medi-droids have them both on lockdown. Han was with him all morning when he got sick. They think he might have it already if Ben’s contagious, but I don’t think Han would’ve left his side if it was otherwise…”

Leia kept talking to Luke the entire time, but whatever she said he wasn’t listening. He carefully watched father and son through the glass, absorbed in keeping his entire attention on them until Ben’s red-rimmed gaze lifted to watch Leia and Luke.

That when Luke’s heart froze up in fear. Ben had been three the last time he saw him. He probably doesn’t even remember him from then, or even know who Luke is. He’s probably assuming he was no one other than a stranger in a steady stream of people here to take care of him.

That was until Ben unclenched his fist from Han’s shirt and gave Luke a small wave.

It was a small comfort, but considering the circumstances, it was only fleeting.

 

* * *

 

After an eternity of waiting for the smallest smidgen of news, a droid finally came in to tell them what was going on.

It was something called the Hesken Fever. The reason for the quarantine was because the droids had suspected another disease which could've been the cause, and it would've been serious if it was. Both illnesses share a similar list of symptoms, so it would be hard to distinguish which one it was Ben had without a blood test. In the meantime as they waited, they didn’t want to take any risks.

It may have resembled another disease, only Hesken is not fatal. It was as serious as catching the chicken pox, but it could get really bad if not cared for. The Fever can deplete a person’s immune system and make them susceptible to other diseases which could be much worse. They decided they wanted to keep Ben quarantined until he gets better. They also kicked Han out of there in case he happens to be a carrier of something that could infect Ben — Luke and Leia didn’t care about the details. The droids had said all that they wanted to know. Ben was all right.

He was going to be _all right._

Luke had never felt so much relief in his life when he heard the news. He was certain he would collapse if he didn’t grab hold of the nearest thing that would keep him steady on his feet.

No matter how much the relief comforted him, Luke slowly realised something about the situation; He was completely superfluous. Whenever the droids asked questions, it was always to Leia. When they gave the family news, it was always to Leia. If there was anything relating to Ben in the slightest, it was always told to Leia. And why wouldn't it be? She’s his mother. Adoptive mother, but they didn’t know that. No one but the twins and Han knew that. To everyone else, Luke is Ben’s uncle. Nothing more.

But that doesn’t mean Luke doesn’t have the same concerns.

He might not have immediate right over Ben anymore and yes, he gave him up, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care. The opposite, he cares too much. Even after all these years and countless students to distract him, he can’t help but wonder about the ‘what ifs’ that drives him closer to the edges of insanity. Now after this close call, Luke’s not sure how he can keep those feelings to himself anymore.

Leia doesn’t notice when Luke slips away. He couldn’t handle the chatter, no matter how good the news was. He knows Ben is going to be okay, but that doesn’t stop the rising urge to cry that is threatening to overpower him. He didn’t need an audience for that. Not for this.

There was a little corner for Luke to try and calm himself before Leia came looking for him. His eyes were beginning to sting, and his throat felt dry with the need to let the tears fall, but he fought it as much as he could.

“Luke?”

Luke nearly jumped at the sudden voice, but he recognised it straight away. When he turned to face him, Han was still dressed in the scrubs he was given when he was admitted. If Luke didn’t know him, he would assume he was one of the medical staff if it wasn't for the concern etched in his features. He was watching Luke carefully. He seemed like he wanted to say something — what? Luke wasn’t sure. There was nothing said between them for what felt like such a long time, not until Luke felt a wet drizzle down his cheek and the tears he was fighting began to roll.

Usually, Luke would be embarrassed to be caught in this state, by a complete stranger in the middle of an emotional breakdown, but none of those feelings ever arose.

Because this isn’t a stranger. This is Han.

There was no need to hide with Han.

“I thought I was going to lose him,” Luke admitted

Without another word, Han enveloped the young man in a hug. Luke didn’t hold back with his tears and quietly sobbed into the smuggler’s shoulder and let everything he was feeling pour out. It felt good. Cathartic. Han’s hands rubbed soothing circles in-between his shoulder blades, kept him steady and safe, just like he could always count on his best friend.

That lasted until Han’s hand snaked up to his hair. To a random person walking by, it could be a sign of affection, but Luke knew what it meant. It was like the last time they had hugged when Han dropped him off at the Temple’s. The kiss on the neck? Luke knew him better than that.

And he remembered the last time they had gotten this close before and what had happened afterwards.

Without a word, Luke pulled away from Han and rushed back to Leia’s side.

 

* * *

  
  
“Can I come out now? I don’t like it in here.”

It had been a few hours since Ben was diagnosed, and the cure they had given him seemed to be working. His dark spots had lightened up a bit, and his headache seems to have gone away. He was even out of bed, to Luke and Leia’s relief, and was standing by the glass wall with his hands pressed against it.

“You can’t come out yet, sweetie. You’re still not well,” Leia told him.

“But dad said I’m not contag-e-ious—” Luke had to smile at that. Ben couldn’t get his tongue around big words yet, but that never stopped him from trying. “— anymore, so why do I need to be locked up?”

“It’s called a quarantine. You might not be contagious anymore, but there is still a chance you might catch something else.”  
  
“But when can I get out?” Ben asked.

“I’m not sure yet, but it will be soon. I promise.”  
  
Ben looked like he was ready to complain, but Leia was interrupted by a general asking her to speak to her in private, and it looked important from what Luke guessed. Leia told Ben she would be right back, but the little boy only shrugged in reply and Leia was gone from their sight.

“She’s always going away like that,” Ben grumbled. “There’s always people wanting to talk to her. She won’t be back for awhile.”

“She’s a busy woman, Ben,” Luke kneeled until he was around Ben’s height. “She can’t help it.”

“I know,” Ben muttered unhappily, balancing on the balls of his feet. “I know she can’t.”

He didn’t like seeing Ben look so dejected, and it was even worse when he was ashen with illness and fatigue. It was like a physical ache seeing him like that, and Luke wanted nothing more than to make him smile like he did when he was a baby. “You really scared us today, Ben. For your mom, dad, and me, we can’t bear the thought of losing you. When your mom told me you were ill I was so scared. Do you know why? ’S because I do anything to protect you. We all would. I know I’m not here most of the time, but do you think you could do me a favour? Could you promise me that you will keep yourself safe? So that I know you will always be okay?”

Luke knew what he was asking is unusual, especially to a five year old, but he needed to make sure. Ben was watching him carefully from behind the glass, studying the young Jedi with his brilliant brown eyes. After a brief moment, Ben moved his hand closer to Luke against the glass — Luke hadn’t realised he put his own palm flat against it and that Ben was trying to touch his hand through the glass. It was so small compared to his. Strong, even for a boy who is recovering from an illness. Ben looked up from their joined hands, and gave Luke a smirk that made him think immediately of Han. They had the same smile.

“I’ll try,” the young boy promised.

Luke gave out a relieved smile. “Good.”

The only reply Luke got was Ben’s sweet smile, and it was better than anything Luke could ask for.

 

* * *

 

But then, in the blink of an eye, something changed.

Luke had spent the last few years training his younglings, the Force was calling out to them stronger than before. After years of nothing, the power was back, and Luke had to make sure the children knew how to handle it, and to not go to the Dark side and stay on the path of to the Light. It was a lot of work, but they were learning so much already. And it distracted him. From talking about the son he had to call his nephew, and the possibilities of what he looked like now.

But Leia was growing sick of her brother’s absence and came down to visit him, instead. Luke was able to ask Lor San Tekka to watch over the children whilst he spent the day with his family. They took a walk through the grassy fields, letting the wind wail past them, and let the missing time catch up.  
  
Ben has definitely had a growth spurt since the last time. He was taller than some of Luke’s other younglings his age, and his hair had grown into a ruffled black nest. It looked like he might be taller than most grown ups when he’s an adult, from what Leia was telling him. He was growing out of his clothes faster than anyone could keep up with.

But that wasn't the only thing that was different.

The happy, smiling boy he knew all those years ago was gone. In his place was a somber, lonely child, one who wouldn’t make eye contact with anybody. The only people Ben seemed to open up to was Leia and Luke, and even that was difficult sometimes.

His behaviour wasn't only just apparent to Luke. When Ben was away from them, Leia finally opened up about what was going on, and it looked like it was weighing on her chest for a very long time.

“You see it, don’t you?”

“What do you mean?” Luke asked.

“Ben. Can’t you see something is bothering him?”

Luke had to take a moment to think about it, trying to phrase it carefully. “I admit he is different, but—”

“Exactly! He’s different,” Leia urged. “I don’t know what has happened, but he’s withdrawn from everyone. I’m losing him. What if it gets to the point where I’ll never find him again?”

“Leia, he’s only six years old.”

“And his behaviour worries me. He’s distant from the other children, he doesn't interact as much as he used to. He stays in his room, away from everyone else, he won’t even talk to C-3PO or R2-D2, and they used to be best friends. Little by little everyday… I don’t know what is happening, and he won’t tell me what’s going on.”

“Have you spoken to Han about this?”

That was the wrong thing to ask, because Leia’s eyes instantly hardened at the mention of his name. “Yes, when he’s here, but he’s not around enough to see the true extent of it. Something is going on with him, Luke, and I don’t know what to do.”

Luke could see his sister growing more desperate the further this conversation went. His eyes flickered over to where Ben was, sitting under a tree near the sea whilst he sucked on his thumb. He was staring out to the crashing waves, his gangly knees pressed up to his chest, and the longer Luke watched him, the more he saw how quiet and reserved his body language screamed to him. And if you look into his eyes… they look like they belong to a man, rather than a boy of six, and it made Luke uneasy about what that could mean.

“It could be just a phase, Leia,” Luke said hopefully. “He might grow out of it.”

“I hope so, Luke,” Leia said, but she didn't seem convinced. She turned her gaze to watch Ben with Luke, the worry lines on her face more prominent than ever. “I’m starting to miss that little boy I knew when he was a baby.”

_Not as much as I miss him, Leia…_

When it was getting close to their time to leave, Luke asked Leia for a minute alone with Ben. Leia didn't think twice and gave them a moment while she prepared for their departure. Luke walked up to the tree, Ben didn’t even turn his head to look at him, but he had a sense that he knew he was there. The only sign he got was Ben dropping his thumb from his mouth and wrapping his arms around his knees.

“Hi, Ben.”

“Hi, Uncle Luke,” Ben answered.

“Mind if I sit with you?”

Ben shook his head. “No.”

Luke sat next to Ben, crossing his legs on the grass and stared out at the view in front of them. “It’s a lovely view here, don’t you think?”

“Yes,” Ben nods.

“It’s calming.”

Ben just shrugs, not taking his eyes of the crashing waves, his eyes more solemn than they were before.

“Ben, are you okay?”

That was when he finally turned to look at Luke. “I’m all right.”

“Is that the truth?” Luke pushed when Ben didn’t answer. “What’s wrong?”

Ben seemed to ponder the question for a moment before he finally answered him. “How come me and mom don’t get to see much of you, Uncle Luke?”

Luke was surprised at that question, but he didn't let it show. “I’m very busy, Ben. I have younglings to teach, and they take up a lot of my time. It’s difficult to get some time to myself anymore.”

“I wish we could see more of you,” Ben whispered.

“I wish that too,” Luke said mournfully. “Your mom has been telling me that you’ve been withdrawn recently. Is something wrong?”

“No. She just worries about me. She always worries about me.”

“That’s her job. She’s meant to worry about you.”

“She worries too much. Just like how she worries about dad. How she worries about you.”

“Why is she worried?” Luke asks with genuine curiosity.

“I don’t know. I can just feel that she’s worried a lot.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can feel what she feels. Like how when she’s mad at dad I can feel her anger. When’s she’s worried I can feel it. Like with you. I can feel how sad you are. Sometime, I think you are more sad than any other emotion I feel.”

Luke stared at Ben with fascination, but cleared his throat quickly. “It's nothing to be ashamed of. It means you are very empathetic. You need to learn to fight past them and channel your own feelings.”

“I don’t know how,” Ben complained.

Before Luke could say anything else, Leia called out to them. It was time for Ben to go.

As they approached the ship and it was time for them to go, Luke gave Ben one last hug. He pulled the little boy close to his chest, trying to give as much comfort as he could to Ben in just that physical act alone. He wasn't sure if it did any good, but Luke took comfort in the fact that he tried.

“You can always count on me, you know that, right?” Luke whispered into Ben’s thick hair. “I always be here if you need me.”

Ben nodded against his shoulder. “You’re getting sad again. I can feel it. You always feel sad around me. Why do you get sad, Uncle Luke?”

Luke didn't know what to say to that, so he let go of Ben and gave him a weak smile. “Get home safe, okay?”

Ben nodded. He went over to Leia, taking her hand and was led up the ship steps before turning around and waving back at Luke one last time.

They flew away into the night. Even though they were gone, Luke ended up staring at the trail they had flown through in their departure, and Luke’s mind went over all the things Ben had said to him today.

The Force. The Dark side compels the angry feelings, while the Light focus on serenity. Mastering those feelings are what is distinctive in making a Sith or a Jedi. They become the embodiment of them in their abilities and meditation.

Luke had never considered that it was possible for the Force to feel those emotions around them in one being…

 

* * *

 

Luke had seen Ben other times during the next few years, but not as much as he wished he could. Over time, it became easier not seeing Ben. It would make letting him go a better decision and for him to focus on his younglings, but it never did. There were only so many things Luke could ignore. He would try and meditate away, find as many distractions as he could, let time change the ways things were and to let them make new. Let the Force take control of time and let it bleed away.

It worked for awhile. The days became busy and important. His role as a Jedi Master takes up his time, so does his students. He has been able to get Tekka to become more involved in the teaching process when the numbers of Force sensitive children started to increase too much for Luke to handle on his own. Tekka has been a great help, a solace when needed. So much has changed over the years and knowing he could depend on Tekka was a great source of comfort.

But there was one thing that stayed constant in all the change. Ben’s self-isolation didn't change. In fact, it had gotten worse.

He would be reaching his twelfth birthday soon. He was at that awkward stage in life where he was on the verge of puberty, but still had the hallmarks of a young child. Ben was getting taller every day, but he still had a skinny frame that decorated the scraps of his childhood accidents. He was knowledgeable with the best education and a sensitivity that most boys lacked, but his voice betrayed his age with his boyish tones. He had a sweet face that could be handsome, but was still round and chubby from baby weight that screamed his innocence. It was all too easy to think of him as a child, but he was growing up, and the sight of it happening in front of Luke would’ve been too much for him to handle.

He still loved him with a ferocity that any parent would feel for their child. That instinct to protect and to love unconditionally… Luke doesn't think that will ever go away, but he has learned to suppress it, to hide himself as an uncle loving his nephew, but it was getting harder to ignore the unhappiness radiating off Ben. It was palpable whenever Luke made time to go and visit. He didn't know what was happening, but Ben was becoming more and more reserved from people as he got older. It killed a little part of Luke every time he saw him, especially since he didn’t know how to change it. It’s not like he could be there for him everyday. He wants to, but he can’t, and what would he say if he could? Ben doesn't talk to anyone, not to him, Han, not even to Leia.

Everyday that went by, Luke was losing more of Ben than he already thought.

So he wasn't surprised when Leia asked him to make a trip to Naboo for an emergency meeting. He went straight away, not even thinking of telling Tekka where he was going, but he didn’t care. Leia sounded urgent, desperate for him to arrive as soon as possible, and Luke didn't need further convincing.

He was met with Leia and Ben on the launch pad as his ship docked. He was greeted with their usual hugs and pleasantries that usually came with their meetings, but there was something different. Ben had an eagerness in his eyes, something akin to hope if Luke had to guess, but he couldn't figure out why. He didn’t want to say anything. This is the closest that Ben seemed to being happy, but even that couldn't last too long.

Leia had been unusually quiet. Luke was just about to ask if something was bothering her when she ushered her brother somewhere private and telling Ben to give them a moment alone. That seemed to pique Ben’s interest, but he did as Leia told him too, not before giving Luke one last glance before scurrying away. Luke and Leia were finally alone, and Luke couldn't help but feel something was weighing heavily on his sister’s shoulder.

“You wanted to speak to me, Leia?”

“Luke, when I was pregnant with Ben…” Leia asked, looking into his eyes, her way of asking him to play along, and Luke nodded for her to continue. He could sense that Ben was not too far away. He might even be listening in, hence why Leia is doing this. Luke didn’t need to be asked twice. “…Did you sense something?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you sense anything through the Force? Or a feeling when he was a baby? Do you ever get a feeling about him?” Leia asked tentatively, as if she was nervous about the answer.

Luke thought back to those years, the ones he tried to not think about, but he had no choice. “Not really. I wasn’t really thinking about it back then, but… I guess there was an energy, I believe, but I always feel that when I’m around you and Han.”

“What does it feel like?”

“Um, warm? Steady, but a signature… I can't explain it. It’s like a familiar essence that helps me to tell when you’re near,” Luke explained, eyebrows furrowing. “Why?”

“But does it feel different? Have you sensed something else?”

“Leia, why are you asking this? Is Ben okay?”

“He’s fine,” Leia reassured, but she didn't seem comforted. “It’s just… Han and I have noticed something.”

“Notice something?” Luke asked. “Leia, what is going on?”

“You remember in Endor? When you told me that I was your sister?” Leia asked, and Luke nodded. “What you said about the Force being strong in our family; our father had it, we have, and now… and now Ben has it too.”

The silence that fell on them was suffocating. Luke stared at Leia with his eyes wide open and stupefied, he didn't know what else to do, but Leia kept talking. “He’s been showing some abilities for awhile now, but recently they’ve gotten stronger. It’s getting harder to keep it under control. Two days ago he moved the table without any concentration.”

Luke nodded, taking a seat by the garden fountain. “I should’ve known. All this time, it… I knew there was something, but I didn’t think it would manifest like this.”

“Luke, that’s why I have called you,” Leia urged, taking a seat next to him. “Ben’s powers… they’re strong. Stronger than anything I have ever felt, and Ben’s struggling to control them. In truth, his powers scare him. The things he could do with out the intention do it… even I am worried about it.  
The only thing that would console him was that you would be able to refine his abilities so that he has better control of them—”

Luke wasn't stupid. He knew what Leia was asking of him, but the thought of it was something Luke couldn't contemplate and he panicked. “Leia, I can’t teach him.”

“What? Why?” Leia asked with obvious confusion.

“It’s a conflict of interest. He’s family. I don’t want to show favouritism amongst my students, it wouldn’t be fair.”

“Luke, you can't possibly just say no,” Leia argued, completely outraged. “Ben would only consider this if you were the one to train him. He doesn't trust people easily, and he won’t talk to me or Han about it—”

“I can’t,” Luke interrupted.

“Luke, come on. There must be something—”

“No, Leia, don’t you get it? I _can’t._ ”  
  
Leia was silenced by how severely Luke snapped at her. Luke has had years to focus on calming energy to keep him to the Light and losing your temper would be destructive. For Luke to act like this was just a show of how much this was upsetting him. He took a deep breath, saying his next excuse slowly. “It would be a conflict of interest. It wouldn’t be right for me to train Ben.”

It was a good thing Leia didn’t argue him again, because Luke wouldn’t have been able to handle this conversation anymore. “Then what am I to do? I can't help him, Luke. I don’t know how to get to him. I thought you could help.”

“Leia, you forget; I'm a Jedi, you're his mother. You are more important in his life than I am.”  
  
Leia nodded, but she didn’t seem completely convinced. “All right, I understand. But I need help, Luke. Ben’s abilities are strong, even I can’t control them. When he gets angry, he can make objects fly or destroy them without a second thought. It frightens him, and he desperately needs your guidance.”

“We’ll find a way. I promise.”

It was a good thing Leia’s Force skills weren’t as strong as Luke’s, or she would’ve sensed his doubt. He had no idea what they were going to do. It’s not as if there were other Jedi Masters who could train Ben. Many of his other students were still learning to channel their powers, they’re not ready to take on the responsibility of training another. They would like to think they could, but Luke knew better. He didn’t want to take that risk.

Could he ask Tekka? No. Tekka is only a minister. He’s not a practitioner. He knows of the Force, but he doesn’t hold first-hand knowledge of what it can do. It would be as helpful as making a student read a textbook and for them to become an expert at it. No, it wouldn’t be wise.

So the only choice left would be… Luke.

It was wrong. Luke knew he should do it. He is a Master of the Force, he has taught countless students and knows the best ways for them to cope with the conflicting feelings of the Light and the Dark side. He is the best candidate to teach Ben, but…

He doesn’t think he can do it. How can he? It’s a struggle seeing Ben on the few times he gets to see him over the year long gaps, but training him every day? Seeing him everyday and putting up this facade of being his uncle? Luke doesn't think he can do it.

He knows it’s selfish to deny Ben this, but it’s the only way.

Luke was just about to fly away in his ship when he felt a presence, but there was something twisted about it. He almost didn't recognise it at first, until an angry voice shouted after him.

“Why not?!”

Luke took his eyes off the controls, but he was shocked silent by the sight of Ben. He had never seen him like this before; pure rage and obvious upset that he didn't know how to control. “Ben? What are you—”

“Why won’t you teach me?” Ben interrupted quickly. “I can learn the ways of the Force better than any of your other students. I can show you.”

“I know you can, I—”

“Then why won’t you give me a chance?” Ben asked desperately, his eyes beginning to water. “I can prove myself to you. Just let me show you.”  
  
“Ben, please calm down.”

“I can’t calm down!” Ben screamed. Before Luke had the chance to say anything, there was a sudden bang from the corner of the ship. It was loud, and it shocked the Jedi and the young boy from where they stood. It came from somewhere near the reactor room, and there was a small trail of smoke drifting from the blast, but it wasn’t too worrying. What was worrying was Ben’s reaction…

He immediately shrunk away from the source of the blast, but he didn’t seem surprised by it. He was afraid, yes, biting his lip and trying to hide it, but not succeeding. “I didn’t mean to do that.”

“Ben, I know you didn’t—”

“No!” Ben shouted. He jumped away from Luke when he tried to touch his shoulder, like it stung. “You lied. You said you would alway be there when I needed you, that I could count on you. I was wrong in believing that.”

Luke shook his head. “No, Ben, I didn’t lie. You can count on me.”

“But I need you now, and you won’t help me. Uncle Luke, please?”

When Luke wouldn’t answer him, Ben looked utterly dejected and he ran out of the ship, not looking behind him when Luke called out for him.  
  
Luke had spent years staying away, trying to build a new life for himself after… after he walked away. It was how he was able to handle being away in the first place, but he didn’t anticipate this. He never anticipated Ben needing to be part of the life he had tried so hard to build. Now what is he suppose to do?

 

* * *

 

Luke always took a walk by the shore to help relax after a difficult day. It was easy to get stressed as a teacher, but things have been even more difficult for Luke than usual. That night has weighed heavily on his mind since it happened.

The fury in Ben’s eyes were something Luke had never considered or even believed could be held inside a boy as gentle as him. He was only a kid. How could he feel such anger like that already? Not even his younglings exhibited such animosity, and they were struggling with their Force powers. Luke has no idea what is happening to him.

Not even the walk was helping him. When it got dark, Luke decided to head straight home. He had an early morning to prepare for and he might as well get some sleep, but Luke was taken back by what he saw.

There was a a ship parked near his home. A ship he had never seen before.

But Luke knew who was there before he got inside his home.

Luke was getting old in his old age, so he wasn't as fast as he used to be, but Luke refused to let that hold him back. Ben was waiting for him in the kitchen, taking large gulps from a full glass he poured for himself, but Luke could see his eyes were red and puffy from crying. When he saw Luke standing by the doorway Ben didn't even try to hide his sadness, looking so tired and dejected that he didn't even care what he looked like.

“Mom and Dad had a fight,” Ben explained, his voice breaking. “They were shouting so loud, screaming at each other… and then Dad had enough and flew away on the Falcon. I think they’ve split up.”

Luke didn't say anything. The sight of Ben in such misery sent a pain straight through his chest, and he didn't even have to think about what he did next. He approached Ben, wrapped his arms around him and the young boy broke down in his arms, sobbing against his shoulder and holding onto him like he would drown if he ever let go.

 

* * *

 

Ben had fallen asleep not long after he had finished crying, so Luke gave him one of the free rooms for him to rest. Once he was asleep, he left a glass of water for him by his bedside, knowing he will have a headache in the morning. He usually got headaches after crying for so long, but rest was the best remedy for him now. It was already late as it was.

Luke pressed a kiss to Ben’s forehead, but he got most of his hair in the process. He didn’t mind. He tiptoed out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him to make sure he didn't wake Ben up. He was usually a deep sleeper anyway, but he didn't want to take any chances.

But the moment he stepped out of the room, Luke realised there was another presence near him. They were already in the house.

Luke knew the presence wasn’t here to hurt him, but it’s something he didn’t recognise straight away. He remembers having contact with it before, but Luke struggled to place where he had known it. He followed where it was coming from, leading him into the kitchen space, and Luke stood stock still when he saw who it was.

“Han?”

Han smirked. “Hey, kid.”

Han. How did he not realise it was Han? It was then that it occurred to Luke that he had not seen the smuggler in a number of years. “What are you doing here?”

Han was sitting at the table, his legs resting on the spare chair. “Leia called me,” Han replied. “Told me one of my ships had mysteriously disappeared. I looked up the coordinates, and it led me straight here. You know, for a son of a smuggler, Ben was never good at hiding his tracks,” Han took a sip out of his flask, twirling it around on the table idly. “He heard us, didn't he?”

“Yeah, he did.”

“Damn it,” Han sighed. “Where is he?”

“He’s asleep. He was really upset.”

“I’m sorry, Luke.”

“What happened?” Luke asked.

Han shrugged. “The usual: “I’m not here enough, you never spend much time with Ben,” anything that makes us mad, which is most of the time, but… this was a bad one.”

“How?”

Han waved it off. “I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

But Luke wasn’t willing to take the smuggler’s word for it. “I want to know, Han. This involves my nephew, he came to me in tears, I want to know why.”

There was something Luke had said that struck a nerve with Han, and he gave the Jedi Master an odd look that was far from friendly. “Your nephew? If that’s how you want to play it, fine. Your nephew..”

“Han…” Luke warned, but his eyes darted to the direction of where Bn was sleeping, and he dropped his voice to a whisper. “He could hear me.”

“And why is that such a bad thing? Why is it so bad if he knows the truth?”

Luke began to assume that the smuggler was already a little drunk if he was heading down this rabbit hole. After all these years, after everything that has happened, they never attempted to talk about what happened all those year ago that started this whole mess. So why would he want to talk about this now? “We’re not having this discussion, Han.”

“But I want to talk about it,” Han insisted.

“No. Not here,” Luke refused.

“Then when? Fine. You don’t want to talk.” Han asked, but he held his hands up in surrender and shrugged. He slumped back into his seat and ran his hands over his face. “No one ever wants to talk about anything.”

It was weird seeing the smuggler like this. Luke was used to seeing the happy-go-lucky guy with the carefree attitude and the temper. This Han was miles away from that smuggler. The only thing Luke could sense from him was a crushing aura of sadness and disappointment, followed by an element of exhaustion that usually came when they had enough. Something was desperately wrong, and it was unsettling Luke by the second.

“What’s going on with you?” Luke asked.

“Uh, things haven’t been easy, kid,” Han groaned. “The past few months… it’s been hard on all of us.”  
  
“What’s happened?”

“A culmination of things,” Han sighed. “Leia’s struggling with Ben. Ever since he discovered his Force abilities, he’s been struggling to control them ever since. He’s broken things, flown objects into the wall when he’s angry, and sometimes he can make things levitate without a seconds thought. It scares the crap out of him, and there’s nothing she can do to help him.”

“And what about you? How are you helping him?”

Han looked guilty immediately. “Yeah, um… I’m hardly around at the moment.”

“What? What are you…” Luke didn’t need to finish asking the question, because the answer came to him instantly. “Don’t tell me you’ve gone back to smuggling.”

“I can’t help it, kid. It’s what I’m good at.”

“Your old wanted posters say otherwise.”

Instead of being offended, Han smirked. “Damn, I was hoping you wouldn’t remember that.”

“I don’t get it, Han. I thought you gave up that life.”

“I did. For awhile,” Han began, putting the flask down on the table. “But I got bored. Raising Ben helped to keep me busy, but kids get older. Over time, they don’t need you as much as they used to, so I started picking up a few jobs to help keep me sane, but then one job became two and then three… you get the picture. That’s what kicked off the fight tonight. Nothing unusual or out of the ordinary there.”  
  
“I hope you don’t take this personally if I don’t take comfort in that.”

“I know,” Han slowly nodded. He was silent for a moment. “You can’t be too surprised, though. I loved what I did. It got me in trouble, but, man, I went on the craziest adventures. Without it, I wouldn’t be the person I am today,” Han lifted his gaze up and stared straight at Luke for the next part. “Without it, I never would’ve met you.”

Luke didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t have to, because Han kept talking.

“We’ve been through a lot together, haven’t we, Luke? More than most people could understand.”

“Yeah, we have,” Luke agreed.

“A hell of a lot. Sometimes I would be doing my thing with Chewie, then suddenly look around and remember what I used to be, and I see what I am now and think ‘how the hell did I get here?’. Do you do that?”

“Han, what’s wrong?” Luke finally asked.

Han avoided answering that question with the same evasiveness he would show with anything he didn’t want to answer, but Luke was patient. Han knew he wouldn’t get away without an answer, and eventually faced Luke. “Before you went off and destroyed the Death Star I made you an offer. Do you remember what it was?”

Luke couldn’t hide his surprise at that unexpected turn. “Yeah, you asked me to come with you.”

“You never asked why.”

“Why what?”

“Why I asked you.”

This was making Luke even more confused. “I thought that it was because you didn't want to fight.”

“Come on, kid. When have I ever been afraid of a fight? And you know that’s not why I asked you.”

“I had an obligation to fight,” Luke explained.

“You always have an obligation. First it was to destroy the Empire, then it was to Leia, the Jedi school, teaching younglings… there will always be obligations, Luke, but tell me… are you happy?

That shut Luke up. Not because Han’s question was unexpected (it was), but the genuine reason for his silence?

He didn’t think he could answer that question and not lie.

He didn’t have to. Han took the silence as a yes. “When was the last time you were happy?”

“Han…”

“You were happy that night in Mos Eisley. You can’t deny that. You were happy when you held Ben for the first time, but you haven’t been happy for a very long time. I wish I could change that. If things had gone a different way, maybe we could’ve been happy together.”  
  
Yep, Han must definitely be drunk. This was the only explanation Luke could come up with to explain this strange encounter, or maybe Luke was thinking that to try and reason with it. Anyhow, it didn’t make sense. Han never mentioned — wait, they don’t speak much. How would Luke know? But this…

Luke shook his head. “But you love Leia, you married her…”

“I do love her. Trust me, kid, I still do, but is it so hard to believe that I could love two people at the same time? You’ve given me so much. Don’t you remember that night? How could you think that I don’t care for you?”  
  
Luke was just about to say that he never suggested that he didn’t when the smuggler got up from his seat and made his way over to him. He came close enough for him to place his hands gently on Luke’s shoulders, one reaching closer to his neck with his thumb running a smooth line over his skin. It was close, intimate, bordering on not enough personal space, but Luke never once tried to pull away, because even though it was a small touch, it gave him more comfort than he had experienced in a long time.

“You can be that happy again, Luke. I can make you happy one more time. I'll do anything to make you happy again. Luke, come on,” Han whispered, his face getting closer, his nose bumping against his own. “Come on…”

With just the dip of his head, Han was pressing his lips against Luke’s.

Luke knew he should have done something to stop Han; push him away, tell him to stop, he’s only doing this because he’s upset, but for some reason all of those excuses wouldn’t leave his tongue. If he was being honest in this moment… it felt nice. Having this contact? It had been so long, and now that Luke can feel it again, he realised how much he missed it.

There were many reasons why he shouldn't do this. By becoming a Jedi Master he renounced all physical attachments and family bonds. That was why he gave Ben up in the first place, no matter how much he wished it was different. He had promised Yoda he would bring the Jedi back, including all of its traditions. Luke had to follow by example. He just never realised how hard it would be.

Luke remembered that every time he questioned his decision, and he questioned it a lot. How could he not? The ache in his chest when he gave Ben up had never went away. It still rested heavy on his heart, made worse every time he had a spare moment to think, or whenever he saw Ben. His heart ached. He had spent the last few years of feeling like he was lost in this abyss, but now he has an opportunity to truly forget those feelings for a moment. Luke knows this is a bad idea, but…

_Why not?_

So with little hesitation, Luke began to kiss back.

Han didn't waste anytime, taking Luke’s face into his hands and kissing him with a renewed enthusiasm, pulling him to his chest, keeping him close, so much so that Luke could barely keep up with him. In the end, he followed his lead. He let himself be manhandled under Han’s calloused hands, and Luke had to admit it. It sent a quivering shiver through his spine.

Luke took Han to his room, his back bumping against the door until he fumbled for the handle. They never broke the kiss once. He didn't want to lose one second of this because he knew what he would feel afterwards. A fleeting moment for years of guilt?

Damn it.

Luke didn’t want to stop now, not when his back hits the bed and Han was climbing on top of him and searching for his lips again. He didn’t stop when Han lifts his tunic over his head, Luke taking the rest of the smuggler’s gear off, or when they were finally bare they pressed into each other, desperate for the skin contact neither of them had felt with each other since that first night years ago.

Memories of that night still haunt Luke’s dreams, the one moment that signified everything: his loss of faith, his night of recklessness, his moment of guilt, and his path that changed course. All because of one night.

That didn't stop him now, not when Han nudged his legs apart and slowly filled Luke up like before. He was so flying so high that first time, every thing felt jumbled and fuzzy, but this… this was clear, focused and was just as heady back then. Luke let out a pleased moan, but not too loud. He can’t wake Ben up. Ben’s in the other room.

Luke didn’t need to tell Han to keep quiet. He was just as aware of their son sound asleep in the house, so he kept his pace slow and steady, taking all the time in the world. That was unusual for Luke. Last time had been fuelled by attraction and low inhibitions. Now it was savouring rolls of their hips to the others and long heated kisses that left them dizzy and gripping at their sweaty bodies and muscles. This… this was almost as if they were making love, and that thought had Luke welling up.

They don’t know how long they had sex for, but when their climaxes left them trembling, they knew it wasn't the end. If Luke was going to break his Jedi Code, he might as well make the most of it, and he curled back up into Han’s arms and their fucking began anew. Each and every time was just as raw and open as the first time. Luke doesn't know how many times they did it, but it left his muscles feeling sore and lax in the best possible ways. It had been so long…

The light outside was just about to creep up when Han cocooned Luke in his arms, hugging him to his chest. It was then that Luke noticed the greying hairs on his pectorals, the ageing skin and the slight sag in his muscles that only meant one thing: He was getting old. They both were.

Han’s hand snaked his way up into Luke’s hair, ruffling it between his fingers. “What’s going through your head, kid?”

Luke nuzzled in closer to Han’s side, and the smuggler tightened his arm around him. “The last time I did this I conceived Ben.”

“Yeah,” Han whispered, his lips resting lightly against the Jedi’s head. “We made an amazing kid, Luke. We could’ve made more together,” Han fingertips traced down Luke’s chest, trailing down to the scar on Luke’s abdomen. Years since the hysterectomy, the scar had faded to a smooth white line underneath his belly button. Luke could barely feel it anymore. He hardly noticed it was there most days, not like it was during the recovery when it stung every time he shifted slightly.

“Do you wonder what our lives would’ve been like? If you hadn’t chosen the Jedi life? If you had kept Ben, been his father… would our lives have been together?”

“Please don't make me answer that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t give you an answer that will make us happy. It doesn't change anything.”

Luke couldn't see Han’s reaction to that, but he ran his hand over his shoulder. “Okay,” Han answered, but there was something in his voice that Luke couldn’t identify. “But do you regret it? Giving Ben up?”

“I shouldn’t.”

Han wasn’t convinced. “But you do.”

There was a response on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t have the energy to keep the lie up. “Yeah. I do.”

Luke suddenly couldn't bear Han’s steady gaze on him. It made him feel more exposed and vulnerable than what they had just done together. He twisted away from Han on the bed, turning his back to him before getting comfortable. The smuggler didn’t take it as an offence. Instead, he must have sensed more of Luke’s emotions than he realised and wrapped an arm around his waist and pressed slow kisses onto his neck. Luke didn't mind one bit, because he knew that this was Han’s way of trying to help, and that this was all going to be over sooner than he wanted it to.

 

* * *

 

It was early morning when Luke woke up with Han’s arm still wrapped around his waist. The sky was still dark, but not for much longer, and Luke didn't want Ben to wake up and see his father and his uncle like this, so he got up and shook Han awake. Han moaned unhappily, rolling over to his side, but Luke told him to wake up until Han opened his eyes and looked up at Luke.

“Get dressed, act like you just got here,” Luke told him. “It’s time to take Ben home.”

Han didn't bother to argue. He got up and started to search for his clothes, but Luke only had to put on his tunic and robes. He gave Han five minutes to get ready before Luke went to Ben’s room. He lightly opened the door and peaked inside.

Ben was still asleep, curled up on his side and his hair a shaggy mess from where he must have been tossing and turning. Luke took a moment to appreciate this moment because this is the first time he has ever seen Ben look peaceful. There wasn't a hint of worry or sadness in his features, something that was a rarity in itself, and Luke didn't want to wake him up just for the fact he didn't want to ruin his peace, but he had no choice.

Luke sat by Ben’s side and tickled his nose. Ben flinched from the touch, but his eyes opened despite how groggy he looked. “Your father is here. He’s come to take you home.”

Ben didn’t say anything besides nodding. He reluctantly got out of bed and trudged into the kitchen area of Luke’s home. Han was true to his word and was fully dressed and scruffy as ever, waiting for them. Ben approached the older man as if he was expecting to be scolded, but Han gave the boy a sad smile, and Ben visibly relaxed a little bit.

“Hey, kid.”

Ben sniffled. “Sorry, Dad.”

“It’s okay,” Han said. “C’mere.”

Han opened his arm out for the young boy, and Ben didn’t hesitate to rush into his father’s embrace. Han hugged him tight against his chest, rubbing his hand over his back.

“Your mom’s worried sick. She didn't know where you disappeared to.”

Ben winced. “Is she mad?”

“No. She just wants you home. Let’s not keep her waiting, shall we? Go wait in the Falcon while I talk to your uncle.”

Ben nodded. He turned to Luke and gave him one last hug before heading out. The minute Luke and Han were alone, the smuggler was close up into Luke’s personal space, giving him that usual smirk that Luke was used to seeing.

“See ya, kid.”

“Get home safe, okay?” Luke asked.

“I will,” Han assured him. “You know… if you ever need a friend out here whenever you get lonely, just give me a call, and I’ll be here for you no matter what. I always have been.”

Luke smiled at that. It was so rare to see Han this open to him, and for some reason Luke couldn't fathom, he pulled the smuggler in closer and kissed him. It was a slow, savoury peck, different from their last kisses. There was no intention behind it. It was just a goodbye kiss, and nothing more. When it was time to break apart, Han kept his forehead pressed to Luke’s.

“Go home, Han,” Luke whispered. “Go home to your family.”

Han nodded. There was nothing left to be said between them. There was nothing left to keep Han here, but Luke could sense his reluctance. He didn’t even complain when Han gripped his hand, holding it in his own calloused grip. He didn’t let go of it when he walked away, letting the pull finally break them apart and Han was gone from his home.

Luke inhaled slowly. The events of this night have been something he wasn't anticipating and he took a moment to compose himself. He had to appear calm when it was time to wake the students, so he meditated for a minute, letting the world slip away to be enveloped by the Force.

The sound of the Falcon flying away was the last thing he heard when he was engulfed.

 

* * *

 

That was a week ago, and life had continued for Luke like it always had. He hadn’t heard from Ben or Leia since then so he assumed everything had worked out fine and that Leia and Han were able to patch things up. Whatever needed patching up, anyway. There was little he could understand in their relationship. They were so hot-headed it was hard to keep up what they were fighting about. Besides, he shouldn't pry. It was their family, not his.

But he’s worried about Ben. Luke doesn’t know why, but there is something bothering him. Ever since he showed up last week, Luke has had his thoughts entirely on Ben’s well-being because there was something off about him. He's had days to think about what it is that was different, but Luke is no closer to finding the answer than he was since they had left the island. It’s been gnawing at him ever since.

Maybe he should contact Leia. Something isn’t right.

Luke had decided to make contact when he gets home. He’s had a busy day. One of the younglings was causing chaos, and Luke had no choice but to discipline her, and the girl retaliated by throwing rocks around the room. That was hectic, and Luke just wanted a five minute break before anything else took his attention. Luke had just walked through the door, heading straight to the kitchen when he froze. Someone was waiting for him. Someone he didn’t expect.

“Ben.”

“Hi, Uncle Luke.”

Luke was not anticipating this. He had no idea the boy was coming here. He didn’t see any ships parked outside, but Luke didn't even sense his presence. That never usually happens, but he wasn’t getting much of a read from the young boy other than the nervous tension radiating from him. That had Luke on edge instantly. “What are you doing here? Has something happened?”

“No, no,” Ben shook his head, his hair flying all over the place. “— Nothing’s happened. I just… I just needed to see you.”

It was dark in the house from the setting sun, so his visibility was low, but as Luke got closer, he noticed it. Ben was naturally pale in complexion, but his face looked drained and tired. His eyes were wide and glassy, and his limbs looked tense like it was impossible for him to relax.

“Ben, you look spooked. Are you okay?”

Ben didn’t answer him straight away, and he distracted himself by playing with his hands. When he looked up at Luke, his face was open and honest… and downright frightened. “I don’t know.”

“Ben, you’re scaring me. What’s the matter?” Luke asked.

Ben gave a shuddering breath, taking his strength from that and letting it calm him before trying to speak again. “Um, I wanted to say I’m sorry for arriving unannounced last week. I was upset and you were the first person I thought of. I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

Luke didn’t have to think about his next move. He went to Ben’s side, putting a hand on his shoulder and guiding him over to the table and let him take a seat. Luke grabbed the vacant one and brought it so he was opposite the young boy. “Ben, you never have to apologise to me. I’m always happy to see you.”

“I’m happy to see you too,” Ben admitted, but there was something in his voice that Luke couldn't figure out, but Ben continued before Luke could ponder on it. “And, um, the reason I’m here is… I was hoping, maybe, you would reconsider… I’m hoping you will change your mind about not taking me on as a student.”

 _Oh, no. Not this again._ “Ben, I told you the first time—”

“I know, but I was hoping you might change your mind.”

Luke shook his head. “My work load is heavy at the moment, I can’t afford to take on new students.”

“But what if…” Ben began carefully, phrasing his next sentence. “What if I wasn’t just a student? What if I became your apprentice instead?”

Luke immediately went still at that. He wasn't sure he had heard it correctly, but Ben was waiting for him to answer, and he knew there was no mistake. “Ben, I want you to think carefully about this. Becoming my apprentice is not something that should be taken lightly. By doing this, you—”

“You commit yourself to the Jedi Code, which renounces all family ties and you become one with the Force and all the Light stands for,” Ben quoted. “I did my homework, Uncle Luke. I can recite the oath if you want.”

“This is serious, Ben. This isn’t something you can just decide.”

“I know. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.”

“You never said anything to me,” Luke argued.

“I wanted to. I was going to ask you that night mom called you, but… you said no.”

Luke tried to swallow down the pang of regret that rose up in his throat, but he pushed it down. He tried to get his mind focused and and leaned in close. “Ben, this doesn’t have anything to do with what happened last week, does it? I know seeing your parents argue is not pleasant, but you can’t let that be a stressor. You don’t have to decide this because you want to get away from your parents bickering.”  
  
Ben looked almost comical at the Luke’s suggestion. “You think that was the first time? They fight, Uncle Luke, they always fight, even on their death beds they will still be fighting. I’m used to their tempers. I’m doing this because this is my path. I’m meant to go down this road, and I need you to help me along the way.”

“I think you need some time to think this over,” Luke offered.

“I have been thinking about this. It’s all I have been thinking about. Do you know why I am doing this? It’s because you have inspired me.”  
  
“Me?” Luke asked with genuine surprise.

Ben nodded. “I’ve always looked up to you. Dad has told me all the stories about you and your fight against the Empire, what happened with you and Darth Vader… it’s amazing. I’ve learned everything I could about the Jedi since then. The lore, the practitioners, everything I could get my hands on. When I found out I had abilities, I was scared because I couldn’t control them. Funnily enough, they don’t write a manual about Force control,” Ben laughed, trying to lighten up the serious conversation, but Luke was not in the mood. “And when you refused, I was so mad, I tore my room apart — I didn’t mean too, it just happened, and… and even though I was mad at you, I desperately wanted to talk to you as well, because you were the only one who could understand. So yeah, I don’t need time to think this over. This is what I want. I’m not going to change my mind.”

If this kid was as stubborn as Han, Luke knew he had no chance in trying to persuade him otherwise. He had that same flare of determination bright and light in his eyes, reminiscent of his father, and Luke knew this was going to be tricky, but he still tried. The idea of Ben doing this was making him panicked and afraid, the last thing he wanted to feel for the boy. This wasn’t how this was suppose to go…

“Ben, if you decide this path, you can never have a family. You can never marry, you can never fall in love, you can never have children. You have to give up your whole life and give it to the Code. Once training is complete, you must take these vows as gospel, and you can never change your mind. It gets lonely. Incredibly lonely. It’s sometimes more than most people can bear, but you have no choice but to stay with the Code. Do you understand?”

Instead of the signs of reluctance and outrage Luke had expected, he was only met with a calm resignation. Like Ben knew this was to be expected. “Yes, I know. Maybe I was never meant to have a family like that. Maybe this is the only way for me.”

“I need more than a maybe, Ben.”

“And you know I am giving myself over. This is what I want. Let me prove myself to you. Let me make you proud of me.”

Ben was insistent, looking straight into Luke’s eyes and pleading with him with more than just his words could convey. Even for a young boy, there was a seriousness that emitted from him that shouldn't weigh heavy on his features. He leaned in closer to Luke, grabbing his robes in his fists as he looked up at him desperately.

“Please, Uncle Luke. Let me be your Padawan.”  
  
There was every single cell in Luke’s body screaming at him to say no. He wants to say no, but how is that possible? How could he deny Ben the one thing he desperately wants, but why did it have to be this? He could have anything he could want in the world and it had to be this? How is that fair?

And even if he said no, would it stop Ben? Luke doubted it. He was determined, he could see that. Ben would probably pester him until Luke finally gave in. That was the Solo way, after all, but can he really do this? Let Ben follow the same path as him? Let him follow the road that has left Luke with this constant ache and sadness? The circumstances may be different, but the loneliness is still the same, no matter what you have.

But he wouldn’t be lonely if Ben really wanted to take the Jedi Code, but can he really let him do that? Or is Luke saying no because of Ben’s choice, or because of the hidden truth?

Whatever one it was, Luke knew he had to do what Ben wanted. And he wanted this.

With a sense of finality, Luke nodded. “I’ll take you as an apprentice, but I am giving you the chance to change your mind anytime during training—”

Before he could finish, Luke was engulfed in a hug that was more limbs and pointed angles than anything else. Ben was still skinny, but he wasn’t lacking the strength. He hugged him tight, squeezing him to him chest.

“I won’t let you down, Uncle Luke,” Ben whispered into his robes, his voice completely determined and relieved. “I promise I will make you proud.”

Luke didn’t doubt that for a second, but as he hugged the boy back there was a growing sense of dread in his gut that was growing worse with every second. Luke didn’t know how to react, other than hugging Ben tighter, but his mind was growing just as anxious, and his focus seemed to circulate only onto one thing.

The question. The same one that has been plaguing him for thirteen years.

_Did he do the right thing?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben begins his training with Luke

The years have not been kind to Luke Skywalker.

Time has aged him. Loneliness has consumed him. Life has broken him.

He has been in hiding for thirteen years. Ever since the end of everything he had worked for, everything he had given up to bring back the Jedi, and all he has to show for it is the charred remains of the Temples and scorched memories that haunt his waking existence. It’s there when he closes his eyes, it’s there even when he walks near the shore. His old attempts at relaxation are gone. He is never going to forget what happened that day.

Ben would be twenty-nine now. His birthday was only a few weeks ago, but instead of the usual celebrations and excitement, it was the approaching anniversary of a day that only brought pain. Twenty-nine years ago, Luke brought Ben into the world, and when he turned sixteen, Ben died.

Or he might as well have because that was when his young boy was gone, and Kylo Ren was born.

And if Luke was being truthful, it would've been easier to bear if Ben had just died. If it was that way, Luke wouldn't be stuck in this overbearing, clawing grief. No. That wouldn’t be right. The grief would still be there. What it was that haunted Luke was the blame because he knew, deep in his heart, that what happened to Ben was his fault.

Of course it was his fault. He didn’t stop Kylo Ren from happening.

So much has happened in those thirteen years, but he hid away from them all. He couldn't bear it. Luke wished he could hide from it forever, but that wasn’t possible. The moment Ben became Kylo and went to Snoke, Luke could feel everything. Everything that Ben — no. Not Ben. Kylo Ren. Ben’s gone now. Has been for a long time.

But everything that Kylo Ren feels, Luke feels. The worse thing is it that the only thing Kylo Ren feel is pain. Emotional, physical, conflict — Luke feels it all. He doesn't know why. They never established that Bond that most Masters and their Padawans establish at a certain age, but he can feel this bombardment of emotions through a connection that was never meant to be. It’s horrifying. Feeling everything that was happening to him and not being able to do anything about it? It left Luke feeling bereft. Snoke was putting him through the worst pain imaginable, and there was nothing Luke could do to stop it.

It should be wrong to feel this way about a man who has killed every single one of his students, destroyed everything he has worked for and turned his back on the Light, but Luke can’t bring himself to hate him. He’s tried too. He’s tried to hate him with every single bone in his body, but it’s not possible. How can he?

_He’s my son. What am I suppose to do?_

Luke brought him into the world. He held him in his arms, he watched him grow, saw him at his most vulnerable. How is he suppose to hate him?

It would be easy too. He saw the bodies he left behind, the people he killed, even a little six year old who did nothing but worship him. It didn’t help. It just made him more conflicted and distraught. Maybe it would be easier if Luke saw him now, see the monster he had become. Could he face it if it happened? Luke doesn't think he could. Could he face his biggest failure?

He didn’t fail on the basis that he couldn’t prevent one of his students turning to the Dark side. No, he failed because all he had left were tainted memories of a boy he had loved with all his heart but had failed in his attempts to keep safe.

That is the biggest failure of them all.

 

* * *

 

No matter how much Luke tried not to think about those days before it all went wrong, there were moments that were crystallised into his mind that he would remember until the day he died. He would replay them in his head like a hologram on repeat, and he would waste time on moments when Ben was with him, and healthy, and alive, but still Ben. He was still his son…

_Ben was thirteen and today was time for him to come to the Temple._

_The ship was ready for them to go, Ben was all packed, and he was saying his goodbyes._

_Luke had made up an excuse about checking the controls, but he was really giving Ben and his family the chance to say goodbye in private. He wasn't too far away though. He was close enough to hear what they were saying, even in their hushed tones. Luke shouldn’t pry, but there was a strong part of him that wanted to hear this, so he kept his distance and let them talk._

_“Bye mom, bye dad,” Ben said. It was followed by a Wookie’s loud growl and muffled giggles. Luke couldn’t fight the urge to look at what was happening, and Luke found Chewbacca engulfing Ben in a a large hug. “And you too, Chewie.”_

_The Wookie finally put the boy down on his feet again. Ben smoothed down his ruffled clothes and went over to Han and Leia. There wasn't a moments hesitation and Leia instantly wrapped Ben to her chest. Ben hugged her just as fiercely, tucking his head under her chin. “Guess this is it, huh?”_

_Leia had to blink back the tears that were threatening to spill, and she tightened her grip around Ben. “I’m so proud of you, Benny.”_

_“Mom…” Ben complained. Obviously, he does not like that nickname, but it made Leia smiled. She kissed the crown of his head, letting him go for Han to get his goodbye. The smuggler was unusually silent. He was standing awkwardly, hands in his pockets as he watched the boy and even Ben can see something was up. “Dad, are you all right?”_

_Han didn't say something for awhile. He balanced on the balls of his feet, looking anywhere but Ben until he couldn't take it anymore. He faced Ben, and the boy could see his dad’s eyes were brimming with tears. “I don’t want you to go, kid.”_

_Luke couldn’t see Ben’s expression, but he instantly ran into his father’s embrace. He hugged him just as desperately as he did his mother, but this doesn't look like something Ben and Han did a lot, and when they did it was a serious thing. Something they didn't do on a whim. Not surprising. Han didn't seem like the type to be overly affectionate. Not even Ben, for that matter. Like father, like son. The list goes on and on of their shared qualities. Luke doesn't think he can stop compiling it._

_When they pulled away, there wasn't much left to say. It was time to go. Ben stepped onto the dock, waving back to his parents and Chewie one last time before taking the passenger seat next to Luke. The moment Ben sat down, Luke could see he was upset but was trying so hard not to show it. He craned his head back, looking at the open doors closing behind him. Watching his parents disappear from view._

_The moment the doors closed, Ben’s expression crumbled. He fell back into his seat and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, but he was still shaky when he grabbed his seatbelt, buckled himself in, but Ben was an open book. The doubt was all over his face. He was uncertain._

_This was Luke’s last chance._

_“Ben, are you sure you want to do this? You can you change your mind.”_

_Luke’s voice must have had a calming effect because Ben shook his head. “Let’s go.”_

Not another word was said between them after that. They flew away into the distance, but Luke could feel the ball of emotions that plagued Ben. The nerves, the loss, the homesickness he felt for the parents he had just left, but he never let them show. Luke should’ve said something, he realises that now, but he didn’t. He kept his mouth shut. Why did he do that?

Ben didn't move from his seat until they had finally reached the island. When they landed, Ben still didn’t speak, not even when Tekka came to welcome him to the Jedi Temple or give him a tour, or even to meet any of his new fellow students. Luke could see in his eyes how much Ben wanted to be alone. Luke waved Tekka away and took Ben to his room.

Ben didn’t want to talk to anyone that night. He told Luke that and he respected his decision. He could feel how upset he was about the change. Everything was new, everything was different. Luke knew exactly how he felt. It didn’t feel like that long ago he was in his shoes.

Luke couldn’t stay away when the night grew in. He had to check on Ben before he could try and get some sleep. When he made it to the door of Ben’s room he had to stop. He could hear the quiet sobs of a boy trying to keep his sadness a secret, but Luke could hear it all. Luke wasn't sure how long he had been standing there by the edge of the door, just listening. He wanted to go in and comfort him, his heart was aching for it, but he knew he shouldn't interfere. Ben wasn't crying for him. He was crying for the parents he was homesick for.

Without a word, Luke walked away.

For the second time in his life, Luke asked himself; _why did he do that?_

 

* * *

 

The day after that night, Ben’s training started. Luke wanted to give him more time to adjust to his new situation, but the other students were progressing so fast that Luke didn't want him to feel left out or to fall behind. The other students took to each other during their training sessions. It was the perfect opportunity for Ben to integrate and actually make some friends for once. From all of his visits from Leia over the years, she had never once mentioned a friend that Ben had, or if he was interested in making friends at all. From what Luke gathered over the years, Ben sounded like a lonely child, but he couldn't be sure whether that was by choice or if he struggled to socialise. He couldn't tell.

Looking back over the years, Luke shouldn't have pushed too hard. That was his first mistake. Ben was thirteen at the time, he went by his own independent thought and initiative, but he was still vulnerable. Luke should've seen it. That was the first mistake in a series of wrong choices…

_Class began at nine a.m. sharp._

_Luke’s students began to filter into the Temple where they always held there classes, especially when they were on meditation. Luke used to hold other classes in the same building, but after the third time of a student destroying the walls because of their lack of control over their powers, Luke decided to hold them outside. His usual students came in: Nex was always the first. He was the same age as Ben. Luke had been teaching him since he was four and had always been one of his brightest pupils. The problem was that he knew it. He knew it all too well…_

_Nex was with his usual gang of friends. Opal was hanging on his every word and Abbot swaggered in with his usual confidence, but he could be nice sometimes. Luke was a bit surprised that he was friends with a boy like Nex, but, then again, it was a small age group for them. All of his other students were much younger and not as mature, so this class only had each other when it came to making friends. Honestly, Luke didn’t have much interaction with them these days. Tekka took up most of their training and he needed the help. He would’ve taken over the class this morning, but Luke wanted to do this. This was Ben’s first class. He had to be there._

_Ben followed in not long before it was time. Luke couldn't help but notice how puffy his eyes looked, but Ben had tried his best to try and hide it. During the whole lesson, Ben just kept his head down and didn't say a word the whole time, but Luke could see he was listening with a keen ear and absorbed everything Luke was telling them like a sponge._

_Luke had assigned them the tasks of using their abilities on trying to levitate random pieces of fruit scattered around the room. He knew it was going to be a tricky task. It was one of the few he struggled with when he was being taught by Yoda, but it was humbling when Luke looked back on it. It helped him realise that he wasn’t invincible and that he had his own limitations. That was what he was hoping the students would understand today, so it wasn't a big surprise when they struggled. The furthest they were able to accomplish was a subtle rumble of an apple over the tiles. Nex was really proud of himself when he did that. Like he always was._

_Luke shook his head to himself. He doesn't think he could ever try and get through to him, so he turned his attention to Ben’s progress and he was stunned silent._

_Luke couldn't believe what he was seeing. It had taken his other students almost a year to gain control of their Force powers, but Ben… he was sat by himself, his entire focus on the pear in front of him. He wasn’t aware of the many stares or looks aimed at him, not even his uncle watching him carefully. The only thing he was aware of was the pear hovering lightly from the ground and floating in the air by his own hand._

_“Ben?” Luke asked._

_“Yeah?” The minute Ben took his eyes off the pear and onto his uncle was the moment the pear fell to the ground. “Oh, no! I— I had that—”_

_“Ben, it’s okay. I saw…” Luke began to say, but he turned his attention back to the bruised up pear by his feet. “How did you do that?”_

_Ben was about to answer, but then he noticed the continuing stares from all of the other students, noticeably from Nex, aimed at him, and Ben grew more uncomfortable by the second. “Um, I just… I just did.”_

_It was awhile before Luke could bring himself to say anything. He wasn't expecting anything like this to happen today and now… he was at a loss for words. So he gave Ben a smile that hopefully looked like one of encouragement. “Well done.”_

_And Ben gave Luke a smile that reminded him so much of Han that it was uncanny. Like father, like son. It left him bereft for a minute, so he distracted himself by helping out Abbot and Opal, but throughout the entire lesson, Luke did not miss the jealousy rising up in Nex’s eyes._

Over the next few weeks, Ben grew to be one of Luke’s best students. He was smart, incredibly smart, and he had a way with the Force not even Luke had an affinity for. Ben was growing stronger everyday and each lesson helped him to unlock a part of it that helped him to flourish.

That didn't make things easy though. He had a power that not even Nex could rival, but that was where the problems started. Nex didn’t like the fact that he was no longer the best. His cockiness couldn't stand for it. It also didn’t help that Ben was evasive to Nex’s attempts at starting a friendship. Well, not a friendship. Luke guessed he was trying to suss out the competition more than anything, but Ben wasn't blind to that. He could sense emotions well enough, which was an element of the Force Luke had not seen with any other student, and did his best to avoid Nex as much as possible. If you asked, Luke was glad that Ben stayed away from him, but he wasn't intending on Ben alienating himself from all his peers. He didn’t have one friend, and he was only thirteen years old. The moment class ended, Ben would grab his stuff and make his way back to his room and stay there until he got hungry or went to see Luke.

So what happened? Ben got picked on. A lot.

The other kids lightly teased him, but it was Nex who did the most damage. Looking back on it now, there might have been more going on that Luke was blind too, because Ben became more withdrawn as the time went on. He retreated more into himself than before. He wouldn’t talk to anyone about it, not even when Luke asked, but there was nothing else he could do. Nex was smart enough to not bully Ben straight after class. Luke would've disciplined him, so Nex made sure to keep it hidden. It’s not like any of the other students would come to Ben’s defence. Ben didn’t say anything. And looking back on it now, Luke wasn't sure how bad the bullying escalated to.

Luke should've done something sooner. He should've done something, but he didn’t know how. How could he help? He didn’t have experience with this. What would he do? Like he said. Ben wouldn't talk.

For weeks Ben kept it all bottled up, and Luke could see it wasn't healthy on him. It was beginning to change him in a way that Luke couldn't stop it from happening. Then there was a day where it all came to a destructive fight.

_They were studying meditation today._

_They were holding the lesson outside on a sunny day with the light breeze — the perfect environment for relaxing the mind. Luke had his students sat on the green grass, with their legs crossed and hands placed on their knees. He was instructing them to breath in deep, then slowly release in a calming mantra._

_“You should feel the Force flow through you,” Luke instructed. They were all listening to Luke carefully and taking large deep breaths and slowly exhaling with every one. It was one of their meditation techniques. It helped to focus their minds, and it seemed to be working now. They all looked calm, just as Luke was hoping for._

_“Remember,” Luke said. “The Force will flow through you. Always. When you are at your most calm, you will feel it the most. As a very wise teacher once told me ‘a Jedi’s strength flows from the Force, but beware the Dark side’. Feel your strength through it, let yourself take from it.”_

_“Master Luke?” Opal interrupted. “You’re floating.”_

_The moment Luke opened his eyes, he saw that he was a few feet off the ground. His eyes widened. He wasn't doing this. He didn't even realise he was hovering until Opal mentioned it. It was like he was on a cloud. All of his students were watching him now with fascinated, yet confused gazes. All except one._

_Ben was sat there patiently, eyes closed and still in deep meditation. He probably wasn't even aware of what was going on around him. He must have been in a deeper state of contemplation than the rest of the students, and he was tapping into a new power he hadn't experience before. Luke would've been impressed if he was floating higher up into he air with every second that went by. He had to get his attention and fast._

_“Ben? Ben, open your eyes,” Luke told him. When Ben was not reached in his own mind, Luke took a risk and reached him through a Force bond was was established a long time ago when he was born, mother and child. It was a familial thing, nothing more. Not enough for people to question since they believe Ben is his nephew, so Luke focused his mind and sent a message through the connection._

_**Ben, wake up.** _

_Just as Luke had expected, Ben snapped his eyes open with shock from the voice, but the minute that happened, Luke was falling onto the ground. He fell onto his side, banging his hip and he groaned from the pain._

_“Uncle Luke!” Ben cried out. He was scrambling of the ground and rushing over to Luke’s side and helping him up. Luke needed it. He wasn't as sprightly as he used to be, especially when he was in pain. He grabbed Ben’s hands and used him as an anchor as he got back onto his feet. “Uncle Luke, I didn’t mean to— I’m so sorry.”_

_“It’s okay,” Luke waved it off. “It’s okay, I’m fine.”_

_“You sure?” Ben asked. He sounded worried._

_“I’m fine, but I’m going to rest for a bit,” Luke said, rubbing his hip. It was beginning to throb, but he didn't think it was anything serious. He thinks it will be gone by tomorrow, but right now it hurt like hell. “Class is having an early finish now. You can have a free day.”_

_The class disbanded after that and Luke was escorted back to his home by Ben. The teenager refused to leave his side. It wasn't until Luke told him to go and get something to eat that the boy finally left. It was hard for Luke to do that to him. He could see Ben was having a difficult time with this, and he was feeling extremely guilty because of it, no matter how many times Luke tried to reassure the boy. Ben seemed to let those feelings manifest to the point where they almost let them paralyse him. It was worrying Luke, but he didn't know how to help._

_It was when Luke was laying in his bed that he sensed something. It caught him off guard when he felt it, but then he rationalised that using the connection with Ben had a tendency to make it more sensitive to Ben’s feelings for awhile until it faded. This time, Ben’s feelings were making Luke panic, which means he is panicking and that had Luke out of bed and rushing over to the mess hall, no matter how much his hip hurt._

_Something was definitely going on._

_Some of the students were paying attention to the source of the interest, even Luke could hear it. There was some sort of argument going on, one sided. It was Nex’ voice. Luke knew that immediately and when he got closer, he could see that the source of his anger was at Ben. He was sitting at the table on his own, refusing to react to his fellow students taunts, but it was getting harder by the second._

_“You did that on purpose,” Nex sneered. Opal and Abbot were at his side and cheering him on. Ben was getting more agitated the longer this went, but he was trying his best to hide it from everyone’s prying eyes. “No way was that a simple accident.”_

_“Back off, Nex,” Ben said firmly. “Just leave me alone.”_

_“‘Back off, Nex. Back off, Nex,” Nex imitated with a crowd of laughter following it. Nex slapped him across the back of Ben’s head to get his attention. “Don’t be such a baby. Why don’t you admit to being the suck up you really are?”_

_“I told you to back off,” Ben almost shouted. “Don’t you have anything better to do than be a mere inconvenience in my day?”_

_The moment Ben said that, Nex grew angry in less then a second and threw Ben off his seat. Ben fell to the ground with a loud thud. “Why? What are you going to do if I don’t? Make me float? Use the Force? Face it, Solo. We all know what you are.”_

_Ben rolled over to face Nex. “And what am I?”_

_Before Nex answered, he kicked Ben in the knee and Ben howled in pain. He held on to his leg, his eyes squeezing shut from the ache of it. “It simple, actually. You’re a desperate wannabe. You may have the skill and the abilities but you will never be a great Jedi. You’re not strong enough. Everybody knows that. Even the Younglings can see how pathetic you are, and what are they? Six? How sad is that?”_

_Ben tried his best to ignore him. Luke could see how badly he was trying to ignore him, but he was only a teenager. It mattered to him, and Ben had to close his eyes away from the hurtful insults and degrading treatment. Luke wanted to go over there and comfort him, but Luke was frozen to the spot. It was like watching a shuttle crash and not being caught up in the shock of seeing it happen. And the worst part was that it wasn't over._

_“Despite how much of a loser you are, do you know who I feel sorry for? Your family. It’s so sad that the Luke Skywalker is related to you, and you are nothing but a weakling. We even caught you sucking your thumb like a baby,” Nex laughed and that got a chuckle out of Opal and Abbot. “Maybe that’s why you’re here. Your parents couldn't stand keeping you around, so they sent you off to your uncle because you were nothing but a waste of space and a loser.”_

_That was where it hit a nerve. Ben’s eyes instantly watered up at the mention of his parents, and Luke knew how much he missed them, even if he didn't talk about it. Nex must have sensed Ben’s agitation because he would not let it go._

_“Oh, you see it too,” Nex mused. “We know you are a prince, but really? What a sad excuse. Even your uncle thinks so if he has to come to your defence all the time.”_

_“Don’t talk about my uncle like that!” Ben shouted._

_“I can say whatever I want. Don’t worry. Master Luke will get bored one day and he won’t want to teach you anymore, and I’ll take your place as Padawan. He’ll get rid of you just like your parents did. Everyone wants to get rid of you because no one wants you.”_

_That was it. The moment Nex had finished, something triggered in Ben’s eyes that almost made Luke scared and it wasn't even aimed at him. That anger radiated off him in spades, and when he turned to look at Nex, the fear washed over him too. Ben got up on his feet, panted like a feral animal and released what Luke could only describe as a war cry._

_And then Ben launched himself at Nex._

_In all his life, Luke had never seen Ben get even angry before, but this… this was pure violence. Luke couldn't believe it when Ben punched Nex clear across the face and jump on him when his opponent fell to the ground. All he did was climb over him and punch him again, this time causing a splatter of blood in its wake. Nex tried to fight back, but he was more shocked than anything else. No one had seen Ben like this, no one assumed Ben could ever be like this, but here he was fighting Nex with all the strength he had with the other student standing by and letting it happen._  
  
_“Ben!”_

_Luke didn’t realise he was by the boy’s side and shouting at them to stop. Ben stopped immediately, looking up at Luke with a fist in the air. He was frozen still the moment he saw his uncle, the awareness seeping into his eyes with the realisation of what he was doing. He scrambled away from Nex on the floor. The closer Luke got, the more he saw of the boy’s injuries and Nex had a busted lip and a swollen eye. He did a number on him, but there wasn't a scratch on Ben._

_There room was completely silent. No one wanted to break it. Not even Luke or Ben._

_The only thing that changed was Ben scurried onto his feet and ran out of the mess hall. He couldn't go straight after him because he had to reluctantly tend to Nex, no matter how much animosity he had towards him. He’s still his student. He has a duty. The moment Tekka came in to take over, Luke was out that door and straight after Ben._

_He wasn't in his room, he wasn't anywhere Luke thought he would be, so he relied on something he never should've interfered with in the first place. The Force bond. Luke was desperate, he tapped into it and found a path that was telling him to follow, and Luke did it without question._

_He was getting further and further away from the Temple with every step he took until he was in the forest. He didn’t like it. It was getting dark now and the feelings he was sensing were getting more and more distressed. Luke had no idea why Ben would be out here this far. Why would he venture this far? But it wasn't much longer until Luke found the source of where he was meant to go._

_It was a hut._

_That had not been there before. Luke would know. He checked the whole area to make sure there weren't any dangerous creatures around._

_It was where Ben was hiding, he could feel his presence coming from it in waves. Luke took a few steps towards it, and the closer he came to it the more he could hear sobbing from inside. Luke took a moment before he pulled back the makeshift door that was nothing more than an old sheet, but the inside was impressive._

_Everything was handmade. Ben had used the cave as his walls and built around it with wooden boards and dried mud to make a safe space for him. He decorated it with bright tapestries and little ornaments he had collected from the outside and had made himself. It was a large space. It opened up the the back of a cave and Ben boarded up the outside to make it resemble a little home for himself. This is what Ben has been doing? This is where he has been hiding?_

_It was beautiful._

_But Ben was hiding away in the corner, curled in on himself with his head tucked into his knees. He didn't sense Luke coming in the hut and kneeling in front of him. He kept on crying and sobbing so hard his body was shaking from the effort. It hurt Luke to see him like this. He couldn't hold back and placed a hand on his shoulder, and Ben jumped at the touch. He really must not have sensed Luke, and the sight of his bleary eyes and tear stained cheeks had Luke threatening to cry with him._

_Ben was trying to speak to Luke, trying to say something, but his entire body was shaking with hiccups and sobs. “I-I didn’t m-mean to hit him, I just— I had enough! I had enough of him picking on me and I just lost it, I lost it! I didn’t mean to hurt him, I didn’t mean to—”_

_Ben never got a chance to finish because Luke had pulled him to his chest. He held him close, wrapped his arms around the boy’s body and rested his cheek against his soft hair. Luke doesn't know if it was for Ben or to make himself feel better. All he knew was that they were there for a good hour, with Ben crying into his robe and muttering ‘sorry’ over and over again._

After that incident, Luke decided to teach Ben privately.

 

* * *

 

When Ben was fourteen he was growing to be quite the exceptional student.

Luke had taught many talented students, but Ben was something else. He had a way with the Force that Luke had never seen before in his life. He became one with the Force in more ways than one and it was even putting Luke to shame.

Although, being taught privately meant Ben didn’t have many friends. Actually, he didn’t have any friends. There was no one Ben hangs out with or talks to, and none of the other students made an effort to try and talk to him. It had Luke worried. The only person Ben made an effort with was with him and during lessons or when Ben came to visit. Shouldn’t he want to be with his fellow peers?

Ben didn’t care. He seemed much better after the private lessons. He seemed to smile more, he even made jokes. It was a side of Ben Luke hardly had a chance to see and it was a small relief to him. After seeing how unhappy he was before, Luke would do anything to see him smile that toothy grin again.

But it turned out Luke didn’t have to worry about Ben getting lonely because Ben like to keep himself occupied…

_It was after that incident that Luke had learned that if he wanted to find Ben he would have to go to the hut because that is where he will be. He took great care with staying away from most of the other students after that fight with Nex, and Luke would be worried if he hadn't seen how much better Ben is because of it. In fact, he seems to be thriving from the self isolation, which is unusual in itself. Luke hated the loneliness when he was his age on the moisture farms with Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen. The older Ben got, the more he and Luke became complete opposites to each other. Is he sure this is his kid?_

_Luke found Ben cross-legged on the floor with his tool kit and an open notebook next to him. R2-D2 was situated in front of him, but his back compartment was open and Ben was checking his wires and coding. Ben must have been completely engrossed because he didn't even look up when Luke took a seat by them. Ben had been semi-living in this hut for awhile now. He’s made it more homey by the day. He’s even added a proper door to the front instead of that ragged sheet he was using. It was impressive how Ben was able to accomplish this at his age._

_“Ben, what are you doing to R2?” Luke asked._

_“Studying him,” Ben muttered around his thumb._

_“Studying him?”_

_Ben took his thumb out of his mouth and grabbed his pen to jot something down in his notebook. “I’m looking at his coding. I want to know why he can’t speak Basic while C-3P0 can. His coding is very different.”_

_“Why are you doing that?”_

_Ben shrugged. “Curious.”_

_Checking coding because he’s curious? Luke will ask again; is he sure this is his kid?_

_“And R2 is letting you do that?”_

_“He said it was fine,” Ben answered. R2-D2 immediately started beeping to life, and Ben looked affronted at what he was saying. “I did not! Uncle Luke, I did ask him, I did—”_

_Luke chuckled lightly. “He’s winding you up, Ben. R2, leave him be.”_

_The droid beeped in reply. He’s been here since Leia and Han’s last visit on Ben’s birthday a few weeks ago. They all celebrated, but it was also a weird day for Luke, as well, because he remembered that it was fourteen years when they all snuck away to Dagobah to hide Ben’s birth. Was that really fourteen years ago? I felt like yesterday._

_When Han and Leia left, they decided to leave R2 for Luke and Ben to help them out. The droid didn't seem to mind, but maybe he was starting to regret that the longer Ben started taking an interest in him and his coding, but there isn't anything he could do about that, is there? R2 practically rolls fast and screaming when he sees Ben these days. It has Luke laughing more than should, but he couldn't help it. It’s not like Ben is taking him apart._

_But that was Ben. He was an intellect. He devoured as much information as he could and when that wasn't enough, he went to find something else to learn about, hence his fascination with R2. Imagine if it was C-3PO? Luke didn't want to think about it. But it did lead to some heated arguments, though. The droid and the teenager would get into the worst spats ever, but it was so comical because Ben is throwing insults at a droid who can only beep back the worst abuse he found in his programming. For those who didn’t understand R2’s language, they would think this is one of the weirdest things they have ever seen._

_People would stare, but mostly Luke. It was funny watching Ben lose it with R2, and it only got more funny when R2 would have enough and zap Ben out of nowhere, and that wold only inspire Ben into a deeper state of anger that had Luke in hysterics._

_One last time; is this his kid?_

_As Luke watched Ben pack up his stuff and trot away in his mood with R2 following him not far behind, he knew the answer._

_Yeah. Yeah, he is._

Luke should've realised the mood swings were more than they were. Ben was fourteen. He was going through puberty. Mood swings were part of the package. Ben was changing so much around that time. He was growing taller every day, his chest was broadening and one day when Ben came in for class he greeted Luke with a deep voice that shocked Luke to the core. Ben only laughed at his uncle’s reaction, but Luke needed a moment to adjust. It was a huge change.

Another thing he needed to adjust to was the constant change in emotions Ben would experience. One minute he was goofing around, the other minute he was in the worst mood possible, but it wasn't so different to when Luke was his age. It was one of the things of being a teenager.

Those were easier to cope with than the depressive episodes Ben would experience. They never happened often, but when they hit they hit hard. Ben would just hide away in his hut for hours on end, not speaking to anyone. Luke only knows something is wrong when R2-D2 is rolling to his home and poking his head through the door, and he would be rushing out to check that Ben was okay. There was a certain incident that got really bad, though. Luke remembers it distinctly because it was the last known time Ben had felt that down before… before it all happened. Looking back on it now, he should've seen that there was something bigger weighing on him than just simple hormones and angst.

If only Luke had seen it…

_When R2 popped his head through the window to his home, Luke grabbed his robe and trudged his way into the forest. He was at the hut as soon as possible, with R2 to was rolling behind him. He knocked on the door, but when he didn't get an answer Luke opened the door and let himself in._

_Ben was stretched out over a sleeping bag with a pillow under his head and staring up. He didn't look over at Luke when he stepped inside, nor did he look over when Luke decided to lay beside him. When Luke was on his back, he could see Ben was staring up at the starry sky above. They were so much brighter out here. It was incredible to look at, but when the silence dragged out too long Luke decided to break the silence. “Ben? Are you okay?”_

_“I’m fine,” Ben mumbled._

_Luke was about to say something when he noticed Ben’s hand resting on his chest. There was grey tape wrapped over his thumb and wrist, so much so that the tip of his thumb that wasn't wrapped up was bright red. “You bandaged your thumb.”_

_That was the first time Ben moved his eyes from the sky and onto his hand. “I was tired of being made fun of.”_

_Ah. Yeah, Ben didn't interact with the students in class but he still had to go to the mess hall for food. There’s nothing that could protect him from that. Ben was getting better at stopping his thumb-sucking habit, but it was difficult to kick something you have been doing since you were a child._

_But that didn't matter now. What mattered was Ben’s mental state. “Ben, talk to me. What’s going on?”_

_Ben didn't answer him right away, but Luke could see he was close to talking, so he waited. He waited until Ben was ready. “When I was younger, I once asked my dad what a cousin was, and he told me that if I had a cousin it would be your child because you are my mom’s brother. That’s all he ever said.”_

_Okay… “Your father needs help in explaining things to you.”_

_Ben didn't laugh at the joke and turned his gaze over to Luke. His brown eyes were deep and curious, but Luke didn't miss the sadness swimming underneath them. “How come you never had any kids, Uncle Luke?”_

_That was unexpected. Luke had never been asked that question in his life and anyone who saw his Jedi robes would know that was the answer, but Ben said it in a way that felt… innocent. Like there was no hidden agenda to it. He was just… curious._

_“I’m a Jedi, Ben. I’m not allowed to have kids.”_

_“Didn't you want them?” Ben asked._

_“It’s not something I had ever thought about.”_

_“My dad also told me that you couldn’t have them. Is that true?”_

_Damn it, Han! Luke was going to kill him. “Yeah, that’s true.”_

_“So… did you become a Jedi because you couldn't have them or was that not part of it?”_

_“Why are you asking me this, Ben?”_

_“I was wondering,” Ben admitted. “I thought you would've been a great parent.”_

_Luke didn't want to think to long on that. He didn't want to think about how that made him feel. “What made you think of this? Are you having second thoughts about your training?”_

_“No,” Ben admitted quickly. He sat up from the sleeping bag and looked down on his uncle. “No, not at all. I just… did you want kids? I mean, you wouldn't have a kid and… not want it? Do people do that?”_

_“What’s going on Ben?”_

_Ben was silent for a moment, looking down at his hands in his lap and becoming more uncomfortable by the minute. “Uncle Luke?”_

_“Yes?” Luke asked._

_“Do you ever feel like you don’t belong?”_

_Luke shot up from the bed and looked directly into Ben’s eyes. “Why would you ask me that?”_

_“I just… I just been thinking about it.”_

_“Don’t think about it,” Luke urged and took Ben’s face into his hands. “Don’t you ever question something like that again. You do belong, you have always belonged. Ben, what’s going on? Tell me, please let me help you.”_

_“I don’t know,” Ben whined. His eyes were beginning to water with tears that were threatening to spill. There were so many emotions flickering across his face that Luke couldn't decipher what was going on. “I don't know what’s wrong. I feel an overwhelming sadness today. I feel like I lost something that I can never get back, but… I don’t think those feelings belong to me. And I feel like there is a voice in my head telling me all the worst things about myself and I can never get it to stop. Why am I feeling like this?”_

_Luke wanted to give him an answer but he couldn't think of anything that could soothe him. “I don’t know, but you’ll get through this. What’s going through your mind? Please tell me.”_

_Ben shook his head in Luke’s hands. “I can’t tell you.”_

_“Why not?” Luke asked desperately._

_“Because I don’t understand it myself,” Ben confessed. He pulled away from Luke's grasp and wiped his eyes. A heartbreaking sob escaped his lips and and he was scrambling off the sleeping bag. “I’m sorry.”_

_“Wait, Ben,” Luke called out, but then Ben was on his feet and running out of the hut. Luke got onto his feet. He tried to follow after him, but Ben is fast. He could outrun him any day without even trying. The moment he was out of the hut, there was absolutely no sign of him or where he might have gone. Luke looked around everywhere, but there was nothing that could give him an idea of where he had gone. “Ben!”_

_All Luke got was silence. There was no way he was going to find him, but that didn't stop Luke from looking. It was stupid, it was dark and anything could happen, but Luke was thinking about Ben. He had to make sure he’s okay._

_Luke only ended up going home when his feet began to ache and he was out of breath, and the fact that R2 was having a go at him, but he only took the offer up when the droid promised he will keep an eye out. He was making his way home when he spotted something in the distance._

_Tekka was waiting by his front door with a scroll in hand. He was reading it patiently and going over each word, so much so that he didn't realise Luke was making his way over until Luke cleared his throat. Tekka had been away for a few days, he wasn't suppose to be back until the end of the week, so this was an unexpected surprise. He got up from where he was sitting and made his way over to the Jedi Master._

_“How long have you been waiting here?” Luke asked._

_“Not long,” Tekka answered whilst rolling up the scroll. “I got back late, but there was something I needed to bring to your attention, and I don’t want to wait until morning.”_

_“What is it, Tekka?”_

_“There is a child in Tatooine. Recently orphaned. I believe she has Force potential…”_

 

* * *

 

Rey was just a young girl of five. Her family were killed during a disease epidemic that only left a handful of people to survive in the whole village. Rey was one of them. Not knowing what to do with her, she was sent off to an orphanage on the outskirts of Tatooine, where Tekka happened to be wandering and discovered her. Immediately, he sensed a strong potential from her, something latent and not yet ready to manifest. It was close, though. Close enough for Luke to take her as a student without question.

She had been a spirited little thing, even as a child. Luke could remember meeting her for the first time and thinking she was going to be a handful. He was right. The first few days were not easy. Separation from a child’s family was always a tricky process, but Rey was having trouble adapting to the new surroundings along with her grief. She never talked about her family, she wouldn’t open up to Luke, and she would run off the first moment she had the chance. Sometimes it would take hours to find her, and that was only because she would walk back to the mess hall for food after Luke had spent the last few hours trying to find her. She would shrug it off like it was nothing.

Even despite how unruly she was, Luke couldn't help but like her. She was sweet once she finally opened up, but it wasn't Luke who was able to do that. She was extremely suspicious of the Jedi Master. Heck, she was suspicious of everyone. That’s why she ran off all the time, but when that stopped she appeared to be a happy, funny and ambitious child. It still took a long time for her to open up, but Luke wasn't the one who got her to do that. He had help, and it made the world of difference, and it blossomed into a friendship that was completely unexpected.

When Ben is fifteen he meets Rey for the first time in an unconventional way.

_This was the fourth time Rey had snuck out on Luke when she was in a lesson, but he couldn't always keep his eye on her when there was twenty other students to watch out for, and Luke was beginning to think that she knew that and saw that as an advantage. It was less than a minute when Luke had clocked her during their Force lesson and then the next minute there was no sign of her anywhere. The second the class was done, Luke was searching the Temple and any other place that Rey could be hiding (it’s surprising how well a five year old hide herself from prying eyes). When Luke couldn't find her around the Temple, he went over to the Tekka’s home for advice._

_Ever since Luke had taken to teaching Ben privately, he had to rely on Tekka to take a few of his classes to lighten the load. Right now, Tekka was teaching his older students, Nex, Abbot, Opal and the rest of them, and Luke had no idea what he would do without him. As he approached his home, Luke could see Tekka was outside in the middle of teaching Nex how to handle a lightsaber. His students paid little attention to him. They were too busy attacking a set of laser beams heading in their direction._

_Tekka stepped away from Nex for a moment and approached Luke away from sharp ears. Luke must have looked worried if Tekka was allowing privacy in front of the students. “Is everything all right?”_

_“I lost Rey again. Have you seen her?”_

_Tekka nodded, but slightly relieved. This wasn't the first time Luke has come to him for help with locating Rey. It’s become sort of a habit now. “I’m afraid not. Have you tried the training grounds?”_

_“No, I haven’t. I’ll go now.”_

_Luke left Tekka without another word and went to the training grounds. He doubted Rey would be there. It was one of the places that had too many people walking by. Someone would've spotted her and if she didn't want to be found she wouldn't go there. But better safe than sorry. Luke found himself wandering around there and, just like he thought, there was no Rey to be seen. This was starting to get out of hand._

_“Uncle Luke!”_

_That was Ben’s voice. He wouldn't be on the grounds yet, they didn't have training today, but it was definitely him. When Luke turned around, the sight of what he saw made him pause. It was Ben, climbing up the hill with something clinging onto his back for dear life, but this something had brown haired buns and a happy smile that belonged to the elusive Rey. She was being carried on Ben’s back, her arms around his neck and Ben’s arms hooked around her legs for security, and from the giggle she was getting with every large step Ben took she was having the time of her life._

_But it was Ben that had Luke pausing. He hadn't seen much of the boy outside of classes and he has been in a melancholic mood ever since that night in his hut over a week ago. Nothing Luke could do would make him smile at him, and it had Luke feeling desperate and worried for his sake, but Ben wouldn't talk to him. He just shut himself away and wouldn't let anyone in, but now… he was bouncing the little girl on his back with ease and smiling like he was having fun, too. That was a rarity in itself. He wanted to savour it as much of it as possible because Luke was scared he wouldn't see it for a very long time._

_“Rey?” Luke asked when the duo were close enough. “What are you doing with my nephew?”_

_“I found her hiding in my hut with R2. She had taken him prisoner and declared the hut her castle. She wouldn’t let me in until I’d proven it was actually my home.”_

_Luke couldn't help but giggle. Poor R2. “Is that where you had been hiding, Rey?”_

_Rey nodded, her hair buns getting messy in the wind. “Yeah. I like it there. It’s fun.”_

_“Thank you very much,” Ben smiled at the compliment. “You ready to be put down?”_

_Rey nodded, and Ben kneeled to the ground for Rey to let go of him and land on her feet safely. She smoothed down her clothes and straightened her hair, but Luke didn't miss how she stood closer to Ben the moment she was down. She might have even been tempted to hide behind him when she looked up at Luke. “Am I in trouble for leaving again?”_

_“No, you're not in trouble,” Luke told her. He kneeled down in front of Rey so that they were the same height. “But you can’t run off like that. You scared me when you ran off, and it’s not safe. Also, Ben is busy with his own training. He doesn't have time to go running after you, too.”_

_“I don’t mind,” Ben shrugged. “She’s not that bad. We had some fun earlier, didn't we?”_

_“Yes,” Rey beamed brightly. That was surprising too because Luke hadn't seen Rey smile much at all. “We captured a prisoner and everything.”_

_Ben nodded. “Which reminds me, I have to go back and unlock R2 from the ‘prison cell’.”_

_“Wait,” Rey called out in panic. “You’re leaving?”_

_Ben immediately saw the little girl’s distress and knelt down in front of her to calm her nerves. “I have to, but don’t worry. See this man here? This is Luke. He’s my uncle, and he’s going to teach you a lot of things. It’s okay, you can trust him. I promise. And maybe, after the lesson, you can come back and visit me in the castle. To see how the prisoner is doing. You like that idea?”_

_Rey must have liked that idea because she smiled and nodded. “Yeah.”_

_“Good,” Ben smirked. “And remember, I’ve got my uncle to tell me if you run away again, so no sneaky tricks. I’ll see you later.”_

_“Bye,” Rey muttered. Ben gave her a quick smile and began to walk away. Just as he was about to disappear from view, he turned around at the last second and waved at the two of them. Luke waved back, but so did Rey. She waited until Ben was gone from view before Luke took her hand and lead her to the training room. The original lesson ended ages ago. He had to teach her one on one, and she didn't get much of it since she only has Force potential. She hasn't harnessed her powers yet, but he wants her to be prepared for when they do come in._

_Rey seemed to listen. That was new because she never listened in class, so she must have been listening to Ben more than she was to Luke and he wasn't even there. Ben must have made more of an impression than he realised because Rey was itching for the moment she can go back to the hut, and the minute class was over Rey was rushing back into the forest like a lightening bolt. Luke couldn't help but smile. It was cute, but he had a feeling that Ben was going to get tired of the attention sooner or later._

_The next day was a different story, though. Luke had a feeling that Rey was going to skip out on their next lesson, so he took a chance and went over to Ben’s hut before the lesson was scheduled to begin. He was right. Luke could see Rey standing outside the hut door, but she wasn't alone. Ben was with her, kneeling in front of her. When Luke stepped closer, he noticed something was wrong. Rey seemed agitated. She looked like she wanted to pace around if it wasn't for Ben keeping her steady, and she looked like she wanted to cry. Luke didn't want to interrupt, so he stood by a tree and watched the whole thing._

_“Rey, calm down,” Ben soothed. “It’s only a lesson, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”_

_“I’m not afraid,” Rey snapped, but there was no bite to it. She was too nervous for it to have effect. “I don’t want to go in. They make fun of me. All the other kids say that since I don’t have powers I’m not a real Youngling. If I’m not a real Youngling then why am I here?”_

_“You are a real Youngling. The other kids, they’re cruel. They will always say things to get you upset, but you have to ignore them. I had a bully in one of my classes. He was horrible to me, but the more you let them get to you the more they will pick on you. Hey, if you go, you might be able to make some friends. Isn’t that what you want?”_

_But Rey didn’t answer him. She rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand, anything to cover up the urge to desperately cry. “I want to go home.”_

_The moment Rey said that, there was a flicker of sadness that crossed his eyes. Luke might have been far away, but he knew when Ben was trying to hide his emotions. He was never really good at it. Ben could do many things but he will always be an open book. Suddenly, Ben put up a brave face and looked directly at the girl in front of him. “Rey? Rey, take my hand. Take my hand.”_

_Rey was hesitant at that but she reached out and let her tiny palm be engulfed by Ben’s large ones. He cupped his hands over them and held them close. “I know it’s scary. I know how much you want to leave and go home right now, but I want you to know you are not alone in this. You’ve got me. I’m here. I miss my parents every day, that’s normal. I know exactly what you are feeling and I will always help you. Could you promise that you will try for me? Please?”_

_Luke could've sworn he had heard that little statement before. Not completely, but it felt familiar. Then it hit him. When Ben was sick. The promise he made. It was happening in front of him, like a mirror image. Rey was watching him carefully under her studious gaze and her frown grew into a sneaky grin. She smiled back at him, and finally nodded. “I like you.”_

_That made Ben grin with a chuckle. “I like you too. So you’ll go to class?”_

_“Yeah. I’ll go, but can you promise me something, too?”_

_“Anything.”_

_“Can you stop being mad? I can see how angry you get, and sometimes you tell the air to shut up. The air can’t shut up. It’s not a person.”_

_What? Luke didn't understand what that meant, but Ben obviously did. He looked extremely guilty and worried at the same time, but Rey was watching him. He wasn’t going to get away with not answering her. “I’m wasn't telling that to the air, Rey. I was telling that to myself.”_

_“Why?” Rey frowned._

_“Let’s just say I have an imaginary friend who keeps telling me bad things, and I’m trying to tell him to stop talking. But you can’t tell anyone about him, not even to my uncle Luke. Can you do that for me too?”_

_“Okay,” Rey agreed. “I have to go now.”_

_“Tell me how it goes when you come back, okay?”_

_Rey nodded. Before Rey was about to leave, she went back and wrapped her arms around Ben in a tight hug. From what Luke could see, Ben seemed surprised by the sudden show of affection, but he wraps an arm around her little body and squeezes back._

_Luke should go now. Rey would be heading to class any minute now and he didn't want to be caught lingering. He headed back to the Temple, but there was a deep-seated uneasiness in his gut about something Ben had said. Since when did he start talking to himself? Is that a sign of his isolation? He needs to talk to hims about that, but now he has a class to teach._

_Many of his pupils were already waiting for him. They were sat cross-legged and patiently. It was only a minute until the class officially started and Luke wasn't sure if Rey was going to turn up, but if she cared about her promise then maybe she would. Luke doesn't know, but just as Luke was about to begin, there was a creak by the Temple door._

_Rey waltz right in and took a seat right in the middle like it was nothing at all._

_Luke couldn't help by smile at her as she did._

 

* * *

 

After that day, Luke didn't think Ben would be interested in keeping a girl like Rey entertained for long. He was a teenager. They had their own lives and interests, and Rey was only a child. Ben spent most of his time on his own, and Rey was a ball of energy. They were the most unlikeliest duo of them all, but Luke was wrong. They became friends. Best friends, actually.

Ben was the reason Rey actually turned up at classes at all, and when they were over she was grabbing her stuff and heading into the forest and back to Ben’s hut. It had become their little routine. When Luke went to the hut to check on Ben he would be greeted with Rey and Ben hanging out with each other. It was mostly Rey playing make believe and getting Ben to join in somehow, even if reluctantly. Sometimes, Ben would be working on something and Rey would sit back and watch him with interest.  
  
One time, Luke saw Ben giving Rey a lesson on how to work a droid with R2 being the unwilling test subject. They spent a lot of time together. They even ate in the mess hall with each other. It attracted attention from Nex and the others, but after the last time Nex said something to Ben, he knew not to antagonise him. Ben even beat up Abbot when he threw a slur of insults at Rey about not being a real Youngling. Abbot walked out of there with a bloody lip and a tail between his legs.

Ben did everything he could to protect her, and in return Rey gave Ben a friendship he had never experienced before. They looked out for each other. They protected each other, and Luke thought it was the greatest thing that could happen to them.

But he didn't know what he knows now. He didn't know that Ben would be Rey’s killer. Her body would be amongst the many he saw the day when everything was destroyed. Ben killed her for Snoke. He killed that little girl, a child he had liked and had been his friend. He killed her, how could he do that?

That was all Luke could think of now. The ‘whys’. Why did he do this, why did he do that, why, why, why — it’s all he thought about. When you have years with only yourself as company, your mind starts to wander to all the things that haunt you the most.

Ben was his ghost. All he does is haunt him.

Whenever he thought about Rey and Ben together, Luke couldn't help but think of the last time he saw them together, and that perfect memory when they were all happy. Luke too. Luke was happy that day, and it was the last time he had been happy like that in a very long time…

_“You holding on?”_

_“Yeah,” Rey giggled._

_“You sure?” Ben asked._

_“Yes.”_

_“Are you really, really sure?”_

_“Yes! I’m ready!” Rey squealed._

_“Okay,” Ben smiled. “Here we go. Hold on tight.” Rey was holding onto Ben’s hands while he lay flat on his back. He lifted up his feet and planted them on her stomach. “One, two… three!”_

_And then Rey jumped onto his feet and Ben lifted her up until she was balancing onto his feet and holding onto his hands. She was hovering over him, and Rey was laughing in happy delight. “Don’t drop me! Don’t drop me!”_

_“I won’t drop you, but I’m gonna have to let go.”_

_“What?”_

_“It’s okay. I need you to trust me. I’m going to let you go, but I don’t want you to panic. I’ll do it slowly for you. Is that okay?”_

_Rey looked a little unsure, but she trusted Ben. She nodded to him and, just like he promised, Ben let go of her hands and pulled them back, but Rey didn't fall forward. Her upper half was still floating. She should be falling face first, but she was stationary in the air. Then, just like the last time, Ben let his legs fall down so that there was nothing supporting Rey._

_But she didn't fall. She was hovering in the air. Completely weightless. The minute Rey realised what was happening, she was laughing with pure joy. “Whoa!”_

_“Can you believe it?!” Ben smiled at her._

_Rey couldn't answer. She was too busy having the time of her life and extended her arms out to make it look like she was a ship in the sky. “I’m flying! I’m really flying!”_

_“Yes you are,” Ben smiled, proud of himself. He crawled out under the space beneath her, but he never took his eyes off her once. He got up onto his feet and stayed close to Rey in case she fell down in the process, but she seemed secure. After a moment, Ben put his arms under Rey’s weight and slowly she began to lower down to the ground._

_“No, no. Can we do it a little longer?”_

_“I can’t. I’m not strong enough yet. I don't want you to fall.”_

_Rey huffed, but she didn't fight Ben when she was back on her feet. She was still jumping in excitements from what had just happened. “Luke, did you see? I was flying!”_

_Luke was sitting by the tree when all of this was happening and he was laughing with them. Rey was so elated by it all that it was hard not to feel it as well. “I saw.”_

_“I was in the air! Can you believe it! I was finally flying!” Rey exclaimed. She twirled around in and rushed over to Ben. She launched herself around Ben’s legs and hugged them tight so that it was impossible for Ben to walk. “Thank you thank you thank you thank you!”_

_“There’s no need to thank me, Rey,” Ben smiled._

_“I have to tell R2. I’m going to tell R2!”_

_And Rey was off like a light. There was no way she was coming down from her excitement for a long time, so it was best to let her wear herself out. Ben was just laughing like an idiot at her hyper-activeness, but Luke could see he was proud of himself for doing this for her. So was Luke, in that matter. He was pretty sure Rey had him wrapped around her little finger._

_“You’re good with her,” Luke stated._

_“Yeah,” Ben nodded. “I remember the first time dad let me fly the Falcon. I was so excited to fly, it was the first time I had flown anything that big, dad was a nervous wreck. Chewie had to calm him down during the whole trip. We flew over Naboo and back again without a problem, and dad gave me the biggest hug and told me he was proud. It was the greatest birthday ever. I wanted to do something like that for hers.”_

_And it was an incredible sweet present. It was Rey’s birthday today. Six years old. Her first at the Temple and her first without her family. Ben was doing everything he could to make sure she was happy and tried his best to make sure she didn't feel alone. He even convinced Luke to join in and… well, Luke couldn't say no to Ben and he wanted to do something for Rey, too. And so far it had been shaping to be a great day._

_Ben took a seat next to Luke under the tree and sighed. “She’ll be back in five minutes. She might be small, but she is a fast runner.”_

_Ain’t that true. “You keep such a good eye on her, Ben. Nobody else would do something like that. Why?”_

_Ben ave Luke a strange look as he thought about it. “When I first met her, I felt how lonely she was. She was crying, but wouldn't tell me why, so I just talked to her the whole time. We talked, and shared stuff and… we understood each other. And… and at the time I needed that. I needed a friend around then,” Ben had a pensive look about himself and then turned to face Luke. “When you faced the Empire, did you ever feel the Dark side come after you? Were you ever tempted?”_

_The question caught Luke off guard. They had never talked about this before. Yes, they had lessons on staying away from the Dark side and the feelings they would arise, but Ben had never asked about their family like this. Luke didn't know what to say for a minute, but Ben was waiting for him patiently. He had to say something. “There was a time. I was… conflicted. I was drawn by my father to join the Dark side, and it was tempting. The hate I felt was strong, but I wanted to help him as well. I could sense the conflict within him, I trusted that I could reach out to the part that was Anakin Skywalker. I thought I had failed for a moment, but then he saved my life. And he helped us stop the Empire for good and bring peace to the galaxy.”_

_Ben was silent for a moment. Luke couldn't read his features, but he seemed to be deep in thought. “And you said that grandfather turned to the Dark side for his wife, my grandmother?”_

_“Yes, but he lost her in the end. She might have played a part, but Anakin was already tempted to join. He was losing the Light and… Ben, when the Dark side takes over, you can never be free from it. Yoda once warned me that it will forever dominate you path and will be consumed by it forever.”_

_“But that’s not true,” Ben argued. “You said he saved you. He gave up his life for you and to stop the Empire. If he was consumed by the Dark side, he wouldn't have been able to do that. You don’t think a Sith can ever be redeemed?”_

_“I don’t know, Ben. All I can warn you is that it is a slippery slope. What my father did was brave and strong. He was able to find himself again, but I haven't heard of anyone else who could do that. Sometimes the Dark side is stronger than we realise, and maybe that makes what Vader did the more miraculous. He helped us all. The Empire is gone. I was able to see my father for the first time. I just wished I had some more time to get to know him.”_

_Ben was silent for a moment. Nothing else was said between them and Luke thought that was the end of it. He was wrong._

_“But what if the Empire didn't fall? What if… what if there are forces out there that are trying to bring the Empire back?”_

_“What do you mean?” Luke asked. This was starting to worry him. Ben had never expressed an interest in his family tree before and he thought Leia had gone over this with him. Ben’s behaviour had been getting strange lately, especially before Rey came into the picture, but Luke had never brought it up. He didn't want to rock the boat and things had been fine lately. So what was going on?_

_Ben didn't answer him. There was a worry that was suffocating him, a dread for something, but Luke didn't have the chance to analyse it because Ben suddenly brightened up and gave Luke a determined smile. “I booked you a vacation.”_

_“What?” Luke was confused by the change in direction of this conversation._

_“You’re going on a trip. I talked to my mom about it and she wants you to visit it her for a few days. You haven't seen her since my birthday last year, and I know you miss her. I’ve arranged everything for you from the—”_

_“Ben, I can’t leave. I have things to do, a school to run.”_

_“And I spoke to Tekka and said he will take over everything. He will take your classes, he’ll take my tutoring sessions — you’ll only be gone for a few days. The school call manage for a few days.”_

_Luke was trying to think of other excuses for Ben, but he was getting the feeling that Ben and already thought of everything, like the smart kid he is. “When?”_

_“Next week,” Ben told him._

_“Ben, it’s your birthday next week. I don’t want to miss it.”_

_“We’ll do something after you come back,” Ben offered._

_“Can’t we arrange it for another week?”_

_“No, it has to be this week,” Ben said quickly. “It’s the only time I could find for you. Please, Uncle Luke. You’ve worked so hard. You deserve some time off.”_

_Luke was surprised by how urgent Ben seemed by this and it did sound like a tempting offer. He has been missing Leia and it would be nice to see her. Maybe… “I can’t believe you are making me miss your birthday.”_

_The minute Luke said that, Ben released a relieved smile and wrapped his arms around his uncle. Luke was surprised by that. That came out of nowhere but he took all he could get. “I hope you have a great time. You deserve it.”_

_It was more than he deserved, Luke thought. He was having a great day, he had Ben with him and he could sense Rey running by in a few seconds so he was going to be treated to constant laughter and jokes. Luke smiled into Ben’s shoulder. It definitely was shaping up to be a good day._

And it was the last good day. The very last.

He never questioned why Ben wanted Luke gone the week of his birthday, but he knew why now. Everything was destroyed on the day of Ben’s sixteenth birthday, and it was the day he was gone forever.

He was getting rid of Luke from the Temple to commit his crimes for Snoke. He killed the Younglings, he killed Rey, he converted Nex and the classmates to the Dark side to become what Luke heard they were calling themselves to be the Knights of Ren. He set the Temple on fire, he destroyed the archives, and killed the sweet boy that he used to be all the the name of the Dark side.

All on his sixteenth birthday.

 

* * *

 

In the present day, Luke was on the shore when he felt it.

The Force shot through him, so strong that he had to grab hold of the closest thing next to him for the fear of his legs giving out. The moment it happened, Luke knew instant why he felt it, and his heart broke at the realisation.

Han was dead.

Luke didn't need the Force to know who’d struck him down. Even if he didn't have the Force, he knew in his heart that it was Ben who killed him, who took his last breath and did what Luke couldn’t do with Vader.

He killed his father.

That was something Luke could never do, even if he knew it was the right thing at the time. If Vader hadn't had that last glimmer of Light within him and saved Luke from the Emperor, Luke would never be able to do it. He wasn't strong enough.

But Ben…

Ben did it without question. He did the deed that Luke wouldn't even contemplate committing, and now he was beyond redemption in that sense. It was the final act for a Dark Lord apprentice to become a Sith Lord.

Ben has completely given himself over to the Dark side.

_I’ve truly lost him forever…_

 

* * *

 

_Through the Force, things you will see. Other places. The future… the past. Old friends long gone._

It was surprising how much Luke would go back to Yoda’s words even after all these years. Those words resonated through him the more time went by and the deeper the meanings come to him. Especially now. Old friends long gone…

Han was gone. He was never coming back and Luke’s grief was just as palpable as it was when he had lost Ben. Han was the last connection he had to Ben. The smuggler gave him his son, even if behind Leia’s back with their betrayal, but it was an accident. They never intended for it to happen. Ben was never meant to happen, and that thought felt so wrong to Luke because… how could Ben not ever be part of their lives?

Because no matter how much Ben has destroyed and ruined the many lives he has touched, Luke couldn't help but go back to that one memory he would cherish forever. It was a memory he would remember for the rest of his life and would probably be his last memory on his dying bed because… because it was the last time he was with Ben, when that boy was Ben. No matter how many times Luke wanted to forget about it and move on, it refused to fade away like any other memory.

The trip was planned for when the destruction happened. He doesn't know whether it was perfect timing or whether it was arranged in itself, but Luke didn't want to focus on that. The teenager took on the task of helping him pack. He should've realised something was unusual with that, but Luke was getting older. He struggled with his achy limbs and breathlessness, so he accepted Ben’s help with out question.

_Ben had finished lifting the last case onto the ship for Luke. There were only two of them so it didn’t take too long. Luke had the ship ready to go and Leia was waiting for him in Naboo in the next few hours. When the last box was put down, Ben stepped off the ship and made his way over to his uncle._

_“So, this is it,” Ben sighed, looking back at the cases and then back to his uncle. “Have a safe journey, Uncle Luke.”_

_Luke smiled. “And you be careful, Ben. I look forward to all your progress when I come back.”_

_Ben smiled only briefly at that, but it was gone instantly. He inhaled deeply and looked up at Luke with so much vulnerability that it surprised him. “I’m really going to miss you.”_

_“I’ll be back before you know it. It’s only a couple of days,” Luke answered and Ben shrugged. It was time for Luke to go, so he wrapped his arms around the Ben. The teenager didn’t resist once. He hugged Luke back firmly, and when Luke tried to pull away, Ben tightened his hold on him and kept him close. Luke huffed at the squeeze around his ribs and shoulders, but he smiled lightly at the sudden show of affection. “Ben, you have to let go now.”_

_The young boy shook his head against his shoulder. He was tall now, taller than Luke by a few inches so he had to lean down to Luke to hug him, but he held on more tightly than before. “I don’t want to,” he whispered, with an undercurrent of sadness underneath it. “Uncle Luke, what if I never see you again?”_

_Luke frowned at that question. Luke was beginning to think this was one of Ben’s moods, so he tried his best to soothe him. “Of course you will. When we have the Force, we will never be apart. I will always be with you.”_

_He wasn't sure if it comforted him or not, but Ben nodded. He finally let go of Luke and it was then that Luke saw the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. The teenager blinked them back and sighed. “Goodbye, Uncle Luke.”_

_“Goodbye, Ben.”_

_And Luke stepped onto his ship and flew away into the night. From his peripheral vision, Luke saw Ben standing away by the ship from when Luke strapped into his seat and when the doors closed behind him. When he hovered off the ground, he saw Ben standing by until he was flying off into the galaxy. Luke didn't need to check if Ben waited until he couldn't see the ship anymore. He knew he was there._

And when Luke returned to the Temple… everything had burned to the ground.

And Ben was gone forever.

Looking back at that memory now, Luke should’ve realised that Ben knew he was saying goodbye for the last time. He knew what was going to happen. He knew, and he let it happen. He was part of it.

But with every memory he had, it wasn't Luke trying to figure out how he didn't spot the signs that would've stopped him becoming a monster. No. It was Luke going back to those memories and trying to figure out how he didn't see the pain Ben was in. That was how Snoke must have found him. He sensed his loneliness and used it against him. He twisted him into the man he is today, he destroyed the child he once was and ruined the gentle person he was deep inside.

And that was because Luke didn't help him when Ben needed it the most.

And it was all Luke’s fault.

_Oh, Ben, I’m so sorry…._

 

* * *

 

Luke watched the waves crash and collide into each other on the grey morning. It was fitting to have such a dull day the morning after Han’s death. He was standing on the top to watch the view. He could've stood there for hours even, but something wasn't right. He wasn't alone.

There was a presence. It felt familiar to him, something he had not felt in a very long time.

He felt the presence coming closer to him, but it was not malevolent. It was curious, even a little hesitant, and unsure of itself. Luke could not ignore it much longer. He turned around to face whoever it was that had found him.

And what he saw he couldn't believe it.

It was a young girl, but one he thought he would never see again in his life.

_Rey?_

She was older, probably nineteen and with a thinner frame, but it’s definitely her. He would recognise those eyes and her signature hairstyle anywhere, but she shouldn't be here. Her slaughtered remains were still by the old Temple from the battle that wiped the Jedi out. Ben had killed her. He killed all of them.

Rey never takes her eyes off Luke as she opens her bag and takes out a lightsaber — his lightsaber — from long ago. She extends it out to him, her eyes pleading for Luke to take it.

Luke didn't know how to react. He was still in shock over the fact he was seeing Rey again when he believed her to be dead for all these years. But she didn't seem to recognise him. There was no indication that she knew that they had met, but… how is this possible?

She was a child back then. She might have forgotten, but there was something about that which didn't seem right. Is it possible that Ben did something? To make her forget?

_Did… did Ben save her?_

Luke desperately wanted to believe that, but after everything that has happened, he had to let go of the thought that Ben was still alive in Kylo Ren somewhere. He killed Han. His own father. Ben has been gone for a long time. It was time to let him go.

But Rey was right there. She was watching him, waiting for him to answer or do something, and just when Luke thought he was deep in the abyss of his grief after all these years, Luke felt something he had not felt in a very long time.

_Hope._

In the end, Luke reached out and grabbed his old lightsaber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it?
> 
> I'm thinking of doing a third part to this, but please let me know if that is something you would be interested in.
> 
> Thank you xx

**Author's Note:**

> Any spelling or grammatical errors are my fault. 
> 
> Hope you liked it and please review. xx


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